Act II · Scene I
London. A street.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, FANG and his Boy with her, and SNARE following.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Master Fang, have you entered the action?
FANG
It is entered.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? will a'stand to 't?
FANG
Sirrah, where's Snare?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.
SNARE
Here, here.
FANG
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Yea, good Master Snare; I have entered him and all.
SNARE
It may chance cost some of us our lives, for he will stab.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabbed me inmine own house, and that most beastly: in goodfaith, he cares not what mischief he does. If hisweapon be out: he will foin like any devil; he willspare neither man, woman, nor child.
FANG
If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, nor I neither: I'll be at your elbow.
FANG
An I but fist him once; an a' come but within my vice,--
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's aninfinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang,hold him sure: good Master Snare, let him not'scape. A' comes continuantly to Pie-corner--savingyour manhoods--to buy a saddle; and he is indited todinner to the Lubber's-head in Lumbert street, toMaster Smooth's the silkman: I pray ye, since myexion is entered and my case so openly known to theworld, let him be brought in to his answer. Ahundred mark is a long one for a poor lone woman tobear: and I have borne, and borne, and borne, andhave been fubbed off, and fubbed off, and fubbedoff, from this day to that day, that it is a shameto be thought on. There is no honesty in suchdealing; unless a woman should be made an ass and abeast, to bear every knave's wrong. Yonder hecomes; and that errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph,with him. Do your offices, do your offices: MasterFang and Master Snare, do me, do me, do me your offices.
Enter FALSTAFF, Page, and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
How now! whose mare's dead? what's the matter?
FANG
Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.
FALSTAFF
Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph: cut me off thevillain's head: throw the quean in the channel.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in thechannel. Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardlyrogue! Murder, murder! Ah, thou honeysucklevillain! wilt thou kill God's officers and theking's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art ahoney-seed, a man-queller, and a woman-queller.
FALSTAFF
Keep them off, Bardolph.
FANG
A rescue! a rescue!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wo't, wo'tthou? Thou wo't, wo't ta? do, do, thou rogue! do,thou hemp-seed!
FALSTAFF
Away, you scullion! you rampallion! Youfustilarian! I'll tickle your catastrophe.
Enter the Lord Chief-Justice, and his men
FALSTAFF
Lord Chief-Justice What is the matter? keep the peace here, ho!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to me.Lord Chief-Justice How now, Sir John! what are you brawling here?Doth this become your place, your time and business?You should have been well on your way to York.Stand from him, fellow: wherefore hang'st upon him?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O most worshipful lord, an't please your grace, I ama poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.Lord Chief-Justice For what sum?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all,all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home;he hath put all my substance into that fat belly ofhis: but I will have some of it out again, or Iwill ride thee o' nights like the mare.
FALSTAFF
I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I haveany vantage of ground to get up.Lord Chief-Justice How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of goodtemper would endure this tempest of exclamation?Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to sorough a course to come by her own?
FALSTAFF
What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and themoney too. Thou didst swear to me upon aparcel-gilt goblet, sitting in my Dolphin-chamber,at the round table, by a sea-coal fire, uponWednesday in Wheeson week, when the prince brokethy head for liking his father to a singing-man ofWindsor, thou didst swear to me then, as I waswashing thy wound, to marry me and make me my ladythy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwifeKeech, the butcher's wife, come in then and call megossip Quickly? coming in to borrow a mess ofvinegar; telling us she had a good dish of prawns;whereby thou didst desire to eat some; whereby Itold thee they were ill for a green wound? Anddidst thou not, when she was gone down stairs,desire me to be no more so familiarity with suchpoor people; saying that ere long they should callme madam? And didst thou not kiss me and bid mefetch thee thirty shillings? I put thee now to thybook-oath: deny it, if thou canst.
FALSTAFF
My lord, this is a poor mad soul; and she says upand down the town that the eldest son is like you:she hath been in good case, and the truth is,poverty hath distracted her. But for these foolishofficers, I beseech you I may have redress against them.Lord Chief-Justice Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with yourmanner of wrenching the true cause the false way. Itis not a confident brow, nor the throng of wordsthat come with such more than impudent saucinessfrom you, can thrust me from a level consideration:you have, as it appears to me, practised upon theeasy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made herserve your uses both in purse and in person.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Yea, in truth, my lord.Lord Chief-Justice Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her, andunpay the villany you have done her: the one youmay do with sterling money, and the other withcurrent repentance.
FALSTAFF
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap withoutreply. You call honourable boldness impudentsauciness: if a man will make courtesy and saynothing, he is virtuous: no, my lord, my humbleduty remembered, I will not be your suitor. I sayto you, I do desire deliverance from these officers,being upon hasty employment in the king's affairs.Lord Chief-Justice You speak as having power to do wrong: but answerin the effect of your reputation, and satisfy thispoor woman.
FALSTAFF
Come hither, hostess.
Enter GOWER
FALSTAFF
Lord Chief-Justice Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER
The king, my lord, and Harry Prince of WalesAre near at hand: the rest the paper tells.
FALSTAFF
As I am a gentleman.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Faith, you said so before.
FALSTAFF
As I am a gentleman. Come, no more words of it.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fainto pawn both my plate and the tapestry of mydining-chambers.
FALSTAFF
Glasses, glasses is the only drinking: and for thywalls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story ofthe Prodigal, or the German hunting in water-work,is worth a thousand of these bed-hangings and thesefly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thoucanst. Come, an 'twere not for thy humours, there'snot a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face,and draw the action. Come, thou must not be inthis humour with me; dost not know me? come, come, Iknow thou wast set on to this.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles: i'faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me,la!
FALSTAFF
Let it alone; I'll make other shift: you'll be afool still.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown. Ihope you'll come to supper. You'll pay me all together?
FALSTAFF
Will I live?
To BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Go, with her, with her; hook on, hook on.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
FALSTAFF
No more words; let's have her.
Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY, BARDOLPH, Officers and Boy
FALSTAFF
Lord Chief-Justice I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF
What's the news, my lord?Lord Chief-Justice Where lay the king last night?
GOWER
At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF
I hope, my lord, all's well: what is the news, my lord?Lord Chief-Justice Come all his forces back?
GOWER
No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,Are marched up to my lord of Lancaster,Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
FALSTAFF
Comes the king back from Wales, my noble lord?Lord Chief-Justice You shall have letters of me presently:Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF
My lord!Lord Chief-Justice What's the matter?
FALSTAFF
Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
GOWER
I must wait upon my good lord here; I thank you,good Sir John.Lord Chief-Justice Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you are totake soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF
Will you sup with me, Master Gower?Lord Chief-Justice What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a foolthat taught them me. This is the right fencinggrace, my lord; tap for tap, and so part fair.Lord Chief-Justice Now the Lord lighten thee! thou art a great fool.
Exeunt