Act II · Scene IV
London. The Boar's-head Tavern in Eastcheap.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter two Drawers
First Drawer
What the devil hast thou brought there? apple-johns?thou knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
Second Drawer
Mass, thou sayest true. The prince once set a dishof apple-johns before him, and told him there werefive more Sir Johns, and, putting off his hat, said'I will now take my leave of these six dry, round,old, withered knights.' It angered him to theheart: but he hath forgot that.
First Drawer
Why, then, cover, and set them down: and see ifthou canst find out Sneak's noise; MistressTearsheet would fain hear some music. Dispatch: theroom where they supped is too hot; they'll come in straight.
Second Drawer
Sirrah, here will be the prince and Master Poinsanon; and they will put on two of our jerkins andaprons; and Sir John must not know of it: Bardolphhath brought word.
First Drawer
By the mass, here will be old Utis: it will be anexcellent stratagem.
Second Drawer
I'll see if I can find out Sneak.
Exit
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY and DOLL TEARSHEET
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in anexcellent good temperality: your pulsidge beats asextraordinarily as heart would desire; and yourcolour, I warrant you, is as red as any rose, in goodtruth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too muchcanaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine,and it perfumes the blood ere one can say 'What'sthis?' How do you now?
DOLL TEARSHEET
Better than I was: hem!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.Lo, here comes Sir John.
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
[Singing] 'When Arthur first in court,'--Empty the jordan.
Exit First Drawer
Singing
FALSTAFF
--'And was a worthy king.' How now, Mistress Doll!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sick of a calm; yea, good faith.
FALSTAFF
So is all her sect; an they be once in a calm, they are sick.
DOLL TEARSHEET
You muddy rascal, is that all the comfort you give me?
FALSTAFF
You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
DOLL TEARSHEET
I make them! gluttony and diseases make them; Imake them not.
FALSTAFF
If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help tomake the diseases, Doll: we catch of you, Doll, wecatch of you; grant that, my poor virtue grant that.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels.
FALSTAFF
'Your broaches, pearls, and ouches:' for to servebravely is to come halting off, you know: to comeoff the breach with his pike bent bravely, and tosurgery bravely; to venture upon the chargedchambers bravely,--
DOLL TEARSHEET
Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two nevermeet but you fall to some discord: you are both,i' good truth, as rheumatic as two dry toasts; youcannot one bear with another's confirmities. Whatthe good-year! one must bear, and that must beyou: you are the weaker vessel, as they say, theemptier vessel.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge fullhogshead? there's a whole merchant's venture ofBourdeaux stuff in him; you have not seen a hulkbetter stuffed in the hold. Come, I'll be friendswith thee, Jack: thou art going to the wars; andwhether I shall ever see thee again or no, there isnobody cares.
Re-enter First Drawer
First Drawer
Sir, Ancient Pistol's below, and would speak withyou.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Hang him, swaggering rascal! let him not comehither: it is the foul-mouthed'st rogue in England.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
If he swagger, let him not come here: no, by myfaith; I must live among my neighbours: I'll noswaggerers: I am in good name and fame with thevery best: shut the door; there comes no swaggerershere: I have not lived all this while, to haveswaggering now: shut the door, I pray you.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear, hostess?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John: there comes noswaggerers here.
FALSTAFF
Dost thou hear? it is mine ancient.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me: your ancientswaggerer comes not in my doors. I was before MasterTisick, the debuty, t'other day; and, as he said tome, 'twas no longer ago than Wednesday last, 'I'good faith, neighbour Quickly,' says he; MasterDumbe, our minister, was by then; 'neighbourQuickly,' says he, 'receive those that are civil;for,' said he, 'you are in an ill name:' now a'said so, I can tell whereupon; 'for,' says he, 'youare an honest woman, and well thought on; thereforetake heed what guests you receive: receive,' sayshe, 'no swaggering companions.' There comes nonehere: you would bless you to hear what he said:no, I'll no swaggerers.
FALSTAFF
He's no swaggerer, hostess; a tame cheater, i'faith; you may stroke him as gently as a puppygreyhound: he'll not swagger with a Barbary hen, ifher feathers turn back in any show of resistance.Call him up, drawer.
Exit First Drawer
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man myhouse, nor no cheater: but I do not loveswaggering, by my troth; I am the worse, when onesays swagger: feel, masters, how I shake; look you,I warrant you.
DOLL TEARSHEET
So you do, hostess.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Do I? yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspenleaf: I cannot abide swaggerers.
Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and Page
PISTOL
God save you, Sir John!
FALSTAFF
Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I chargeyou with a cup of sack: do you discharge upon mine hostess.
PISTOL
I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets.
FALSTAFF
She is Pistol-proof, sir; you shall hardly offendher.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets: I'lldrink no more than will do me good, for no man'spleasure, I.
PISTOL
Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What!you poor, base, rascally, cheating, lack-linenmate! Away, you mouldy rogue, away! I am meat foryour master.
PISTOL
I know you, Mistress Dorothy.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!by this wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldychaps, an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away,you bottle-ale rascal! you basket-hilt stalejuggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God'slight, with two points on your shoulder? much!
PISTOL
God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
FALSTAFF
No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here:discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, Good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Captain! thou abominable damned cheater, art thounot ashamed to be called captain? An captains wereof my mind, they would truncheon you out, fortaking their names upon you before you have earnedthem. You a captain! you slave, for what? fortearing a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He acaptain! hang him, rogue! he lives upon mouldystewed prunes and dried cakes. A captain! God'slight, these villains will make the word as odiousas the word 'occupy;' which was an excellent goodword before it was ill sorted: therefore captainshad need look to 't.
BARDOLPH
Pray thee, go down, good ancient.
FALSTAFF
Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
PISTOL
Not I I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I couldtear her: I'll be revenged of her.
Page
Pray thee, go down.
PISTOL
I'll see her damned first; to Pluto's damned lake,by this hand, to the infernal deep, with Erebus andtortures vile also. Hold hook and line, say I.Down, down, dogs! down, faitors! Have we notHiren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'faith: I beseek you now, aggravate your choler.
PISTOL
These be good humours, indeed! Shall pack-horsesAnd hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,Which cannot go but thirty mile a-day,Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals,And Trojan Greeks? nay, rather damn them withKing Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.Shall we fall foul for toys?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By my troth, captain, these are very bitter words.
BARDOLPH
Be gone, good ancient: this will grow to abrawl anon.
PISTOL
Die men like dogs! give crowns like pins! Have wenot Heren here?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O' my word, captain, there's none such here. Whatthe good-year! do you think I would deny her? ForGod's sake, be quiet.
PISTOL
Then feed, and be fat, my fair Calipolis.Come, give's some sack.'Si fortune me tormente, sperato me contento.'Fear we broadsides? no, let the fiend give fire:Give me some sack: and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
Laying down his sword
PISTOL
Come we to full points here; and are etceteras nothing?
FALSTAFF
Pistol, I would be quiet.
PISTOL
Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf: what! we have seenthe seven stars.
DOLL TEARSHEET
For God's sake, thrust him down stairs: I cannotendure such a fustian rascal.
PISTOL
Thrust him down stairs! know we not Galloway nags?
FALSTAFF
Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groatshilling: nay, an a' do nothing but speak nothing,a' shall be nothing here.
BARDOLPH
Come, get you down stairs.
PISTOL
What! shall we have incision? shall we imbrue?
Snatching up his sword
PISTOL
Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days!Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping woundsUntwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Here's goodly stuff toward!
FALSTAFF
Give me my rapier, boy.
DOLL TEARSHEET
I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw.
FALSTAFF
Get you down stairs.
Drawing, and driving PISTOL out
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keepinghouse, afore I'll be in these tirrits and frights.So; murder, I warrant now. Alas, alas! put upyour naked weapons, put up your naked weapons.
Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH
DOLL TEARSHEET
I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone.Ah, you whoreson little valiant villain, you!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
He you not hurt i' the groin? methought a' made ashrewd thrust at your belly.
Re-enter BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Have you turned him out o' doors?
BARDOLPH
Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk: you have hurt him,sir, i' the shoulder.
FALSTAFF
A rascal! to brave me!
DOLL TEARSHEET
Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! alas, poor ape,how thou sweatest! come, let me wipe thy face;come on, you whoreson chops: ah, rogue! i'faith, Ilove thee: thou art as valorous as Hector of Troy,worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better thanthe Nine Worthies: ah, villain!
FALSTAFF
A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Do, an thou darest for thy heart: an thou dost,I'll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Enter Music
Page
The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF
Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll.A rascal bragging slave! the rogue fled from melike quicksilver.
DOLL TEARSHEET
I' faith, and thou followedst him like a church.Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig,when wilt thou leave fighting o' days and foiningo' nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven?
Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS, disguised
FALSTAFF
Peace, good Doll! do not speak like a death's-head;do not bid me remember mine end.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Sirrah, what humour's the prince of?
FALSTAFF
A good shallow young fellow: a' would have made agood pantler, a' would ha' chipp'd bread well.
DOLL TEARSHEET
They say Poins has a good wit.
FALSTAFF
He a good wit? hang him, baboon! his wit's as thickas Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in himthan is in a mallet.
DOLL TEARSHEET
Why does the prince love him so, then?
FALSTAFF
Because their legs are both of a bigness, and a'plays at quoits well, and eats conger and fennel,and drinks off candles' ends for flap-dragons, andrides the wild-mare with the boys, and jumps uponjoined-stools, and swears with a good grace, andwears his boots very smooth, like unto the sign ofthe leg, and breeds no bate with telling of discreetstories; and such other gambol faculties a' has,that show a weak mind and an able body, for thewhich the prince admits him: for the prince himselfis such another; the weight of a hair will turn thescales between their avoirdupois.
PRINCE HENRY
Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off?
POINS
Let's beat him before his whore.
PRINCE HENRY
Look, whether the withered elder hath not his pollclawed like a parrot.
POINS
Is it not strange that desire should so many yearsoutlive performance?
FALSTAFF
Kiss me, Doll.
PRINCE HENRY
Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! whatsays the almanac to that?
POINS
And look, whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be notlisping to his master's old tables, his note-book,his counsel-keeper.
FALSTAFF
Thou dost give me flattering busses.
DOLL TEARSHEET
By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.
FALSTAFF
I am old, I am old.
DOLL TEARSHEET
I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy youngboy of them all.
FALSTAFF
What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receivemoney o' Thursday: shalt have a cap to-morrow. Amerry song, come: it grows late; we'll to bed.Thou'lt forget me when I am gone.
DOLL TEARSHEET
By my troth, thou'lt set me a-weeping, an thousayest so: prove that ever I dress myself handsometill thy return: well, harken at the end.
FALSTAFF
Some sack, Francis.
POINS
Anon, anon, sir.
Coming forward
FALSTAFF
Ha! a bastard son of the king's? And art not thouPoins his brother?
PRINCE HENRY
Why, thou globe of sinful continents! what a lifedost thou lead!
FALSTAFF
A better than thou: I am a gentleman; thou art a drawer.
PRINCE HENRY
Very true, sir; and I come to draw you out by the ears.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O, the Lord preserve thy good grace! by my troth,welcome to London. Now, the Lord bless that sweetface of thine! O, Jesu, are you come from Wales?
FALSTAFF
Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this lightflesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.
DOLL TEARSHEET
How, you fat fool! I scorn you.
POINS
My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge andturn all to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
PRINCE HENRY
You whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did youspeak of me even now before this honest, virtuous,civil gentlewoman!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is,by my troth.
FALSTAFF
Didst thou hear me?
PRINCE HENRY
Yea, and you knew me, as you did when you ran awayby Gad's-hill: you knew I was at your back, andspoke it on purpose to try my patience.
FALSTAFF
No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within hearing.
PRINCE HENRY
I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse;and then I know how to handle you.
FALSTAFF
No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour, no abuse.
PRINCE HENRY
Not to dispraise me, and call me pantier andbread-chipper and I know not what?
FALSTAFF
No abuse, Hal.
POINS
No abuse?
FALSTAFF
No abuse, Ned, i' the world; honest Ned, none. Idispraised him before the wicked, that the wickedmight not fall in love with him; in which doing, Ihave done the part of a careful friend and a truesubject, and thy father is to give me thanks for it.No abuse, Hal: none, Ned, none: no, faith, boys, none.
PRINCE HENRY
See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice dothnot make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman toclose with us? is she of the wicked? is thinehostess here of the wicked? or is thy boy of thewicked? or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in hisnose, of the wicked?
POINS
Answer, thou dead elm, answer.
FALSTAFF
The fiend hath pricked down Bardolph irrecoverable;and his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where hedoth nothing but roast malt-worms. For the boy,there is a good angel about him; but the deviloutbids him too.
PRINCE HENRY
For the women?
FALSTAFF
For one of them, she is in hell already, and burnspoor souls. For the other, I owe her money, andwhether she be damned for that, I know not.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
No, I warrant you.
FALSTAFF
No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit forthat. Marry, there is another indictment upon thee,for suffering flesh to be eaten in thy house,contrary to the law; for the which I think thou wilt howl.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
All victuallers do so; what's a joint of mutton ortwo in a whole Lent?
PRINCE HENRY
You, gentlewoman,-
DOLL TEARSHEET
What says your grace?
FALSTAFF
His grace says that which his flesh rebels against.
Knocking within
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Who knocks so loud at door? Look to the door there, Francis.
Enter PETO
PRINCE HENRY
Peto, how now! what news?
PETO
The king your father is at Westminster:And there are twenty weak and wearied postsCome from the north: and, as I came along,I met and overtook a dozen captains,Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff.
PRINCE HENRY
By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame,So idly to profane the precious time,When tempest of commotion, like the southBorne with black vapour, doth begin to meltAnd drop upon our bare unarmed heads.Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.
Exeunt PRINCE HENRY, POINS, PETO and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, andwe must hence and leave it unpicked.
Knocking within
FALSTAFF
More knocking at the door!
Re-enter BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
How now! what's the matter?
BARDOLPH
You must away to court, sir, presently;A dozen captains stay at door for you.
FALSTAFF
[To the Page] Pay the musicians, sirrah. Farewell,hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches,how men of merit are sought after: the undeservermay sleep, when the man of action is called on.Farewell good wenches: if I be not sent away post,I will see you again ere I go.
DOLL TEARSHEET
I cannot speak; if my heart be not read to burst,--well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.
FALSTAFF
Farewell, farewell.
Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, fare thee well: I have known thee thesetwenty-nine years, come peascod-time; but anhonester and truer-hearted man,--well, fare thee well.
BARDOLPH
[Within] Mistress Tearsheet!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
What's the matter?
BARDOLPH
[Within] Good Mistress Tearsheet, come to my master.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
O, run, Doll, run; run, good Doll: come.
She comes blubbered
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Yea, will you come, Doll?
Exeunt