All's Well That Ends Well — Act 4, Scene 3

First Lord

You have not given him his mother's letter?

Second Lord

I have delivered it an hour since: there issomething in't that stings his nature; for on thereading it he changed almost into another man.

First Lord

He has much worthy blame laid upon him for shakingoff so good a wife and so sweet a lady.

Second Lord

Especially he hath incurred the everlastingdispleasure of the king, who had even tuned hisbounty to sing happiness to him. I will tell you athing, but you shall let it dwell darkly with you.

First Lord

When you have spoken it, 'tis dead, and I am thegrave of it.

Second Lord

He hath perverted a young gentlewoman here inFlorence, of a most chaste renown; and this night hefleshes his will in the spoil of her honour: he hathgiven her his monumental ring, and thinks himselfmade in the unchaste composition.

First Lord

Now, God delay our rebellion! as we are ourselves,what things are we!

Second Lord

Merely our own traitors. And as in the common courseof all treasons, we still see them revealthemselves, till they attain to their abhorred ends,so he that in this action contrives against his ownnobility, in his proper stream o'erflows himself.

First Lord

Is it not meant damnable in us, to be trumpeters ofour unlawful intents? We shall not then have hiscompany to-night?

Second Lord

Not till after midnight; for he is dieted to his hour.

First Lord

That approaches apace; I would gladly have him seehis company anatomized, that he might take a measureof his own judgments, wherein so curiously he hadset this counterfeit.

Second Lord

We will not meddle with him till he come; for hispresence must be the whip of the other.

First Lord

In the mean time, what hear you of these wars?

Second Lord

I hear there is an overture of peace.

First Lord

Nay, I assure you, a peace concluded.

Second Lord

What will Count Rousillon do then? will he travelhigher, or return again into France?

First Lord

I perceive, by this demand, you are not altogetherof his council.

Second Lord

Let it be forbid, sir; so should I be a great dealof his act.

First Lord

Sir, his wife some two months since fled from hishouse: her pretence is a pilgrimage to Saint Jaquesle Grand; which holy undertaking with most austeresanctimony she accomplished; and, there residing thetenderness of her nature became as a prey to hergrief; in fine, made a groan of her last breath, andnow she sings in heaven.

Second Lord

How is this justified?

First Lord

The stronger part of it by her own letters, whichmakes her story true, even to the point of herdeath: her death itself, which could not be heroffice to say is come, was faithfully confirmed bythe rector of the place.

Second Lord

Hath the count all this intelligence?

First Lord

Ay, and the particular confirmations, point frompoint, so to the full arming of the verity.

Second Lord

I am heartily sorry that he'll be glad of this.

First Lord

How mightily sometimes we make us comforts of our losses!

Second Lord

And how mightily some other times we drown our gainin tears! The great dignity that his valour hathhere acquired for him shall at home be encounteredwith a shame as ample.

First Lord

The web of our life is of a mingled yarn, good andill together: our virtues would be proud, if ourfaults whipped them not; and our crimes woulddespair, if they were not cherished by our virtues.

First Lord

How now! where's your master?

Servant

He met the duke in the street, sir, of whom he hathtaken a solemn leave: his lordship will nextmorning for France. The duke hath offered himletters of commendations to the king.

Second Lord

They shall be no more than needful there, if theywere more than they can commend.

First Lord

They cannot be too sweet for the king's tartness.Here's his lordship now.

First Lord

How now, my lord! is't not after midnight?

BERTRAM

I have to-night dispatched sixteen businesses, amonth's length a-piece, by an abstract of success:I have congied with the duke, done my adieu with hisnearest; buried a wife, mourned for her; writ to mylady mother I am returning; entertained my convoy;and between these main parcels of dispatch effectedmany nicer needs; the last was the greatest, butthat I have not ended yet.

Second Lord

If the business be of any difficulty, and thismorning your departure hence, it requires haste ofyour lordship.

BERTRAM

I mean, the business is not ended, as fearing tohear of it hereafter. But shall we have thisdialogue between the fool and the soldier? Come,bring forth this counterfeit module, he has deceivedme, like a double-meaning prophesier.

Second Lord

Bring him forth: has sat i' the stocks all night,poor gallant knave.

BERTRAM

No matter: his heels have deserved it, in usurpinghis spurs so long. How does he carry himself?

Second Lord

I have told your lordship already, the stocks carryhim. But to answer you as you would be understood;he weeps like a wench that had shed her milk: hehath confessed himself to Morgan, whom he supposesto be a friar, from the time of his remembrance tothis very instant disaster of his setting i' thestocks: and what think you he hath confessed?

BERTRAM

Nothing of me, has a'?

Second Lord

His confession is taken, and it shall be read to hisface: if your lordship be in't, as I believe youare, you must have the patience to hear it.

BERTRAM

A plague upon him! muffled! he can say nothing ofme: hush, hush!

First Lord

Hoodman comes! Portotartarosa

First Soldier

He calls for the tortures: what will you saywithout 'em?

PAROLLES

I will confess what I know without constraint: ifye pinch me like a pasty, I can say no more.

First Soldier

Bosko chimurcho.

First Lord

Boblibindo chicurmurco.

First Soldier

You are a merciful general. Our general bids youanswer to what I shall ask you out of a note.

PAROLLES

And truly, as I hope to live.

First Soldier

[Reads] 'First demand of him how many horse theduke is strong.' What say you to that?

PAROLLES

Five or six thousand; but very weak andunserviceable: the troops are all scattered, andthe commanders very poor rogues, upon my reputationand credit and as I hope to live.

First Soldier

Shall I set down your answer so?

PAROLLES

Do: I'll take the sacrament on't, how and which way you will.

BERTRAM

All's one to him. What a past-saving slave is this!

First Lord

You're deceived, my lord: this is MonsieurParolles, the gallant militarist,--that was his ownphrase,--that had the whole theoric of war in theknot of his scarf, and the practise in the chape ofhis dagger.

Second Lord

I will never trust a man again for keeping his swordclean. nor believe he can have every thing in himby wearing his apparel neatly.

First Soldier

Well, that's set down.

PAROLLES

Five or six thousand horse, I said,-- I will saytrue,--or thereabouts, set down, for I'll speak truth.

First Lord

He's very near the truth in this.

BERTRAM

But I con him no thanks for't, in the nature hedelivers it.

PAROLLES

Poor rogues, I pray you, say.

First Soldier

Well, that's set down.

PAROLLES

I humbly thank you, sir: a truth's a truth, therogues are marvellous poor.

First Soldier

[Reads] 'Demand of him, of what strength they area-foot.' What say you to that?

PAROLLES

By my troth, sir, if I were to live this presenthour, I will tell true. Let me see: Spurio, ahundred and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, somany; Jaques, so many; Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick,and Gratii, two hundred and fifty each; mine owncompany, Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred andfifty each: so that the muster-file, rotten andsound, upon my life, amounts not to fifteen thousandpoll; half of the which dare not shake snow from offtheir cassocks, lest they shake themselves to pieces.

BERTRAM

What shall be done to him?

First Lord

Nothing, but let him have thanks. Demand of him mycondition, and what credit I have with the duke.

First Soldier

Well, that's set down.

First Soldier

'You shall demand of him, whether one Captain Dumainbe i' the camp, a Frenchman; what his reputation iswith the duke; what his valour, honesty, andexpertness in wars; or whether he thinks it were notpossible, with well-weighing sums of gold, tocorrupt him to revolt.' What say you to this? whatdo you know of it?

PAROLLES

I beseech you, let me answer to the particular ofthe inter'gatories: demand them singly.

First Soldier

Do you know this Captain Dumain?

PAROLLES

I know him: a' was a botcher's 'prentice in Paris,from whence he was whipped for getting the shrieve'sfool with child,--a dumb innocent, that could notsay him nay.

BERTRAM

Nay, by your leave, hold your hands; though I knowhis brains are forfeit to the next tile that falls.

First Soldier

Well, is this captain in the duke of Florence's camp?

PAROLLES

Upon my knowledge, he is, and lousy.

First Lord

Nay look not so upon me; we shall hear of yourlordship anon.

First Soldier

What is his reputation with the duke?

PAROLLES

The duke knows him for no other but a poor officerof mine; and writ to me this other day to turn himout o' the band: I think I have his letter in my pocket.

First Soldier

Marry, we'll search.

PAROLLES

In good sadness, I do not know; either it is there,or it is upon a file with the duke's other lettersin my tent.

First Soldier

Here 'tis; here's a paper: shall I read it to you?

PAROLLES

I do not know if it be it or no.

BERTRAM

Our interpreter does it well.

First Lord

Excellently.

First Soldier

[Reads] 'Dian, the count's a fool, and full of gold,'--

PAROLLES

That is not the duke's letter, sir; that is anadvertisement to a proper maid in Florence, oneDiana, to take heed of the allurement of one CountRousillon, a foolish idle boy, but for all that veryruttish: I pray you, sir, put it up again.

First Soldier

Nay, I'll read it first, by your favour.

PAROLLES

My meaning in't, I protest, was very honest in thebehalf of the maid; for I knew the young count to bea dangerous and lascivious boy, who is a whale tovirginity and devours up all the fry it finds.

BERTRAM

Damnable both-sides rogue!

First Soldier

[Reads] 'When he swears oaths, bid him drop gold, and take it;After he scores, he never pays the score:Half won is match well made; match, and well make it;He ne'er pays after-debts, take it before;And say a soldier, Dian, told thee this,Men are to mell with, boys are not to kiss:For count of this, the count's a fool, I know it,Who pays before, but not when he does owe it.Thine, as he vowed to thee in thine ear,PAROLLES.'

BERTRAM

He shall be whipped through the army with this rhymein's forehead.

Second Lord

This is your devoted friend, sir, the manifoldlinguist and the armipotent soldier.

BERTRAM

I could endure any thing before but a cat, and nowhe's a cat to me.

First Soldier

I perceive, sir, by the general's looks, we shall befain to hang you.

PAROLLES

My life, sir, in any case: not that I am afraid todie; but that, my offences being many, I wouldrepent out the remainder of nature: let me live,sir, in a dungeon, i' the stocks, or any where, so I may live.

First Soldier

We'll see what may be done, so you confess freely;therefore, once more to this Captain Dumain: youhave answered to his reputation with the duke and tohis valour: what is his honesty?

PAROLLES

He will steal, sir, an egg out of a cloister: forrapes and ravishments he parallels Nessus: heprofesses not keeping of oaths; in breaking 'em heis stronger than Hercules: he will lie, sir, withsuch volubility, that you would think truth were afool: drunkenness is his best virtue, for he willbe swine-drunk; and in his sleep he does littleharm, save to his bed-clothes about him; but theyknow his conditions and lay him in straw. I have butlittle more to say, sir, of his honesty: he hasevery thing that an honest man should not have; whatan honest man should have, he has nothing.

First Lord

I begin to love him for this.

BERTRAM

For this description of thine honesty? A pox uponhim for me, he's more and more a cat.

First Soldier

What say you to his expertness in war?

PAROLLES

Faith, sir, he has led the drum before the Englishtragedians; to belie him, I will not, and more ofhis soldiership I know not; except, in that countryhe had the honour to be the officer at a place therecalled Mile-end, to instruct for the doubling offiles: I would do the man what honour I can, but ofthis I am not certain.

First Lord

He hath out-villained villany so far, that therarity redeems him.

BERTRAM

A pox on him, he's a cat still.

First Soldier

His qualities being at this poor price, I need notto ask you if gold will corrupt him to revolt.

PAROLLES

Sir, for a quart d'ecu he will sell the fee-simpleof his salvation, the inheritance of it; and cut theentail from all remainders, and a perpetualsuccession for it perpetually.

First Soldier

What's his brother, the other Captain Dumain?

Second Lord

Why does be ask him of me?

First Soldier

What's he?

PAROLLES

E'en a crow o' the same nest; not altogether sogreat as the first in goodness, but greater a greatdeal in evil: he excels his brother for a coward,yet his brother is reputed one of the best that is:in a retreat he outruns any lackey; marry, in comingon he has the cramp.

First Soldier

If your life be saved, will you undertake to betraythe Florentine?

PAROLLES

Ay, and the captain of his horse, Count Rousillon.

First Soldier

I'll whisper with the general, and know his pleasure.

PAROLLES

[Aside] I'll no more drumming; a plague of alldrums! Only to seem to deserve well, and tobeguile the supposition of that lascivious young boythe count, have I run into this danger. Yet whowould have suspected an ambush where I was taken?

First Soldier

There is no remedy, sir, but you must die: thegeneral says, you that have so traitorouslydiscovered the secrets of your army and made suchpestiferous reports of men very nobly held, canserve the world for no honest use; therefore youmust die. Come, headsman, off with his head.

PAROLLES

O Lord, sir, let me live, or let me see my death!

First Lord

That shall you, and take your leave of all your friends.

First Lord

So, look about you: know you any here?

BERTRAM

Good morrow, noble captain.

Second Lord

God bless you, Captain Parolles.

First Lord

God save you, noble captain.

Second Lord

Captain, what greeting will you to my Lord Lafeu?I am for France.

First Lord

Good captain, will you give me a copy of the sonnetyou writ to Diana in behalf of the Count Rousillon?an I were not a very coward, I'ld compel it of you:but fare you well.

First Soldier

You are undone, captain, all but your scarf; thathas a knot on't yet

PAROLLES

Who cannot be crushed with a plot?

First Soldier

If you could find out a country where but women werethat had received so much shame, you might begin animpudent nation. Fare ye well, sir; I am for Francetoo: we shall speak of you there.

PAROLLES

Yet am I thankful: if my heart were great,'Twould burst at this. Captain I'll be no more;But I will eat and drink, and sleep as softAs captain shall: simply the thing I amShall make me live. Who knows himself a braggart,Let him fear this, for it will come to passthat every braggart shall be found an ass.Rust, sword? cool, blushes! and, Parolles, liveSafest in shame! being fool'd, by foolery thrive!There's place and means for every man alive.I'll after them.