As You Like It — Act 3, Scene 2 · Shakespeare for Bharat

ORLANDO

Hang there, my verse, in witness of my love:And thou, thrice-crowned queen of night, surveyWith thy chaste eye, from thy pale sphere above,Thy huntress' name that my full life doth sway.O Rosalind! these trees shall be my booksAnd in their barks my thoughts I'll character;That every eye which in this forest looksShall see thy virtue witness'd every where.Run, run, Orlando; carve on every treeThe fair, the chaste and unexpressive she.

CORIN

And how like you this shepherd's life, Master Touchstone?

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, shepherd, in respect of itself, it is a goodlife, but in respect that it is a shepherd's life,it is naught. In respect that it is solitary, Ilike it very well; but in respect that it isprivate, it is a very vile life. Now, in respect itis in the fields, it pleaseth me well; but inrespect it is not in the court, it is tedious. Asis it a spare life, look you, it fits my humour well;but as there is no more plenty in it, it goes muchagainst my stomach. Hast any philosophy in thee, shepherd?

CORIN

No more but that I know the more one sickens theworse at ease he is; and that he that wants money,means and content is without three good friends;that the property of rain is to wet and fire toburn; that good pasture makes fat sheep, and that agreat cause of the night is lack of the sun; thathe that hath learned no wit by nature nor art maycomplain of good breeding or comes of a very dull kindred.

TOUCHSTONE

Such a one is a natural philosopher. Wast ever incourt, shepherd?

CORIN

No, truly.

TOUCHSTONE

Then thou art damned.

CORIN

Nay, I hope.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, thou art damned like an ill-roasted egg, allon one side.

CORIN

For not being at court? Your reason.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, if thou never wast at court, thou never sawestgood manners; if thou never sawest good manners,then thy manners must be wicked; and wickedness issin, and sin is damnation. Thou art in a parlousstate, shepherd.

CORIN

Not a whit, Touchstone: those that are good mannersat the court are as ridiculous in the country as thebehavior of the country is most mockable at thecourt. You told me you salute not at the court, butyou kiss your hands: that courtesy would beuncleanly, if courtiers were shepherds.

TOUCHSTONE

Instance, briefly; come, instance.

CORIN

Why, we are still handling our ewes, and theirfells, you know, are greasy.

TOUCHSTONE

Why, do not your courtier's hands sweat? and is notthe grease of a mutton as wholesome as the sweat ofa man? Shallow, shallow. A better instance, I say; come.

CORIN

Besides, our hands are hard.

TOUCHSTONE

Your lips will feel them the sooner. Shallow again.A more sounder instance, come.

CORIN

And they are often tarred over with the surgery ofour sheep: and would you have us kiss tar? Thecourtier's hands are perfumed with civet.

TOUCHSTONE

Most shallow man! thou worms-meat, in respect of agood piece of flesh indeed! Learn of the wise, andperpend: civet is of a baser birth than tar, thevery uncleanly flux of a cat. Mend the instance, shepherd.

CORIN

You have too courtly a wit for me: I'll rest.

TOUCHSTONE

Wilt thou rest damned? God help thee, shallow man!God make incision in thee! thou art raw.

CORIN

Sir, I am a true labourer: I earn that I eat, getthat I wear, owe no man hate, envy no man'shappiness, glad of other men's good, content with myharm, and the greatest of my pride is to see my ewesgraze and my lambs suck.

TOUCHSTONE

That is another simple sin in you, to bring the ewesand the rams together and to offer to get yourliving by the copulation of cattle; to be bawd to abell-wether, and to betray a she-lamb of atwelvemonth to a crooked-pated, old, cuckoldly ram,out of all reasonable match. If thou beest notdamned for this, the devil himself will have noshepherds; I cannot see else how thou shouldst'scape.

CORIN

Here comes young Master Ganymede, my new mistress's brother.

ROSALIND

From the east to western Ind,No jewel is like Rosalind.Her worth, being mounted on the wind,Through all the world bears Rosalind.All the pictures fairest linedAre but black to Rosalind.Let no fair be kept in mindBut the fair of Rosalind.

TOUCHSTONE

I'll rhyme you so eight years together, dinners andsuppers and sleeping-hours excepted: it is theright butter-women's rank to market.

ROSALIND

Out, fool!

TOUCHSTONE

For a taste:If a hart do lack a hind,Let him seek out Rosalind.If the cat will after kind,So be sure will Rosalind.Winter garments must be lined,So must slender Rosalind.They that reap must sheaf and bind;Then to cart with Rosalind.Sweetest nut hath sourest rind,Such a nut is Rosalind.He that sweetest rose will findMust find love's prick and Rosalind.This is the very false gallop of verses: why do youinfect yourself with them?

ROSALIND

Peace, you dull fool! I found them on a tree.

TOUCHSTONE

Truly, the tree yields bad fruit.

ROSALIND

I'll graff it with you, and then I shall graff itwith a medlar: then it will be the earliest fruiti' the country; for you'll be rotten ere you be halfripe, and that's the right virtue of the medlar.

TOUCHSTONE

You have said; but whether wisely or no, let theforest judge.

ROSALIND

Peace! Here comes my sister, reading: stand aside.

CELIA

[Reads]Why should this a desert be?For it is unpeopled? No:Tongues I'll hang on every tree,That shall civil sayings show:Some, how brief the life of manRuns his erring pilgrimage,That the stretching of a spanBuckles in his sum of age;Some, of violated vows'Twixt the souls of friend and friend:But upon the fairest boughs,Or at every sentence end,Will I Rosalinda write,Teaching all that read to knowThe quintessence of every spriteHeaven would in little show.Therefore Heaven Nature chargedThat one body should be fill'dWith all graces wide-enlarged:Nature presently distill'dHelen's cheek, but not her heart,Cleopatra's majesty,Atalanta's better part,Sad Lucretia's modesty.Thus Rosalind of many partsBy heavenly synod was devised,Of many faces, eyes and hearts,To have the touches dearest prized.Heaven would that she these gifts should have,And I to live and die her slave.

ROSALIND

O most gentle pulpiter! what tedious homily of lovehave you wearied your parishioners withal, and nevercried 'Have patience, good people!'

CELIA

How now! back, friends! Shepherd, go off a little.Go with him, sirrah.

TOUCHSTONE

Come, shepherd, let us make an honourable retreat;though not with bag and baggage, yet with scrip and scrippage.

CELIA

Didst thou hear these verses?

ROSALIND

O, yes, I heard them all, and more too; for some ofthem had in them more feet than the verses would bear.

CELIA

That's no matter: the feet might bear the verses.

ROSALIND

Ay, but the feet were lame and could not bearthemselves without the verse and therefore stoodlamely in the verse.

CELIA

But didst thou hear without wondering how thy nameshould be hanged and carved upon these trees?

ROSALIND

I was seven of the nine days out of the wonderbefore you came; for look here what I found on apalm-tree. I was never so be-rhymed sincePythagoras' time, that I was an Irish rat, which Ican hardly remember.

CELIA

Trow you who hath done this?

ROSALIND

Is it a man?

CELIA

And a chain, that you once wore, about his neck.Change you colour?

ROSALIND

I prithee, who?

CELIA

O Lord, Lord! it is a hard matter for friends tomeet; but mountains may be removed with earthquakesand so encounter.

ROSALIND

Nay, but who is it?

CELIA

Is it possible?

ROSALIND

Nay, I prithee now with most petitionary vehemence,tell me who it is.

CELIA

O wonderful, wonderful, and most wonderfulwonderful! and yet again wonderful, and after that,out of all hooping!

ROSALIND

Good my complexion! dost thou think, though I amcaparisoned like a man, I have a doublet and hose inmy disposition? One inch of delay more is aSouth-sea of discovery; I prithee, tell me who is itquickly, and speak apace. I would thou couldststammer, that thou mightst pour this concealed manout of thy mouth, as wine comes out of a narrow-mouthed bottle, either too much at once, or none atall. I prithee, take the cork out of thy mouth thatmay drink thy tidings.

CELIA

So you may put a man in your belly.

ROSALIND

Is he of God's making? What manner of man? Is hishead worth a hat, or his chin worth a beard?

CELIA

Nay, he hath but a little beard.

ROSALIND

Why, God will send more, if the man will bethankful: let me stay the growth of his beard, ifthou delay me not the knowledge of his chin.

CELIA

It is young Orlando, that tripped up the wrestler'sheels and your heart both in an instant.

ROSALIND

Nay, but the devil take mocking: speak, sad brow andtrue maid.

CELIA

I' faith, coz, 'tis he.

ROSALIND

Orlando?

CELIA

Orlando.

ROSALIND

Alas the day! what shall I do with my doublet andhose? What did he when thou sawest him? What saidhe? How looked he? Wherein went he? What makeshim here? Did he ask for me? Where remains he?How parted he with thee? and when shalt thou seehim again? Answer me in one word.

CELIA

You must borrow me Gargantua's mouth first: 'tis aword too great for any mouth of this age's size. Tosay ay and no to these particulars is more than toanswer in a catechism.

ROSALIND

But doth he know that I am in this forest and inman's apparel? Looks he as freshly as he did theday he wrestled?

CELIA

It is as easy to count atomies as to resolve thepropositions of a lover; but take a taste of myfinding him, and relish it with good observance.I found him under a tree, like a dropped acorn.

ROSALIND

It may well be called Jove's tree, when it dropsforth such fruit.

CELIA

Give me audience, good madam.

ROSALIND

Proceed.

CELIA

There lay he, stretched along, like a wounded knight.

ROSALIND

Though it be pity to see such a sight, it wellbecomes the ground.

CELIA

Cry 'holla' to thy tongue, I prithee; it curvetsunseasonably. He was furnished like a hunter.

ROSALIND

O, ominous! he comes to kill my heart.

CELIA

I would sing my song without a burden: thou bringestme out of tune.

ROSALIND

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I mustspeak. Sweet, say on.

CELIA

You bring me out. Soft! comes he not here?

ROSALIND

'Tis he: slink by, and note him.

JAQUES

I thank you for your company; but, good faith, I hadas lief have been myself alone.

ORLANDO

And so had I; but yet, for fashion sake, I thank youtoo for your society.

JAQUES

God be wi' you: let's meet as little as we can.

ORLANDO

I do desire we may be better strangers.

JAQUES

I pray you, mar no more trees with writinglove-songs in their barks.

ORLANDO

I pray you, mar no more of my verses with readingthem ill-favouredly.

JAQUES

Rosalind is your love's name?

ORLANDO

Yes, just.

JAQUES

I do not like her name.

ORLANDO

There was no thought of pleasing you when she waschristened.

JAQUES

What stature is she of?

ORLANDO

Just as high as my heart.

JAQUES

You are full of pretty answers. Have you not beenacquainted with goldsmiths' wives, and conned themout of rings?

ORLANDO

Not so; but I answer you right painted cloth, fromwhence you have studied your questions.

JAQUES

You have a nimble wit: I think 'twas made ofAtalanta's heels. Will you sit down with me? andwe two will rail against our mistress the world andall our misery.

ORLANDO

I will chide no breather in the world but myself,against whom I know most faults.

JAQUES

The worst fault you have is to be in love.

ORLANDO

'Tis a fault I will not change for your best virtue.I am weary of you.

JAQUES

By my troth, I was seeking for a fool when I foundyou.

ORLANDO

He is drowned in the brook: look but in, and youshall see him.

JAQUES

There I shall see mine own figure.

ORLANDO

Which I take to be either a fool or a cipher.

JAQUES

I'll tarry no longer with you: farewell, goodSignior Love.

ORLANDO

I am glad of your departure: adieu, good MonsieurMelancholy.

ROSALIND

[Aside to CELIA] I will speak to him, like a saucylackey and under that habit play the knave with him.Do you hear, forester?

ORLANDO

Very well: what would you?

ROSALIND

I pray you, what is't o'clock?

ORLANDO

You should ask me what time o' day: there's no clockin the forest.

ROSALIND

Then there is no true lover in the forest; elsesighing every minute and groaning every hour woulddetect the lazy foot of Time as well as a clock.

ORLANDO

And why not the swift foot of Time? had not thatbeen as proper?

ROSALIND

By no means, sir: Time travels in divers paces withdivers persons. I'll tell you who Time ambleswithal, who Time trots withal, who Time gallopswithal and who he stands still withal.

ORLANDO

I prithee, who doth he trot withal?

ROSALIND

Marry, he trots hard with a young maid between thecontract of her marriage and the day it issolemnized: if the interim be but a se'nnight,Time's pace is so hard that it seems the length ofseven year.

ORLANDO

Who ambles Time withal?

ROSALIND

With a priest that lacks Latin and a rich man thathath not the gout, for the one sleeps easily becausehe cannot study, and the other lives merrily becausehe feels no pain, the one lacking the burden of leanand wasteful learning, the other knowing no burdenof heavy tedious penury; these Time ambles withal.

ORLANDO

Who doth he gallop withal?

ROSALIND

With a thief to the gallows, for though he go assoftly as foot can fall, he thinks himself too soon there.

ORLANDO

Who stays it still withal?

ROSALIND

With lawyers in the vacation, for they sleep betweenterm and term and then they perceive not how Time moves.

ORLANDO

Where dwell you, pretty youth?

ROSALIND

With this shepherdess, my sister; here in theskirts of the forest, like fringe upon a petticoat.

ORLANDO

Are you native of this place?

ROSALIND

As the cony that you see dwell where she is kindled.

ORLANDO

Your accent is something finer than you couldpurchase in so removed a dwelling.

ROSALIND

I have been told so of many: but indeed an oldreligious uncle of mine taught me to speak, who wasin his youth an inland man; one that knew courtshiptoo well, for there he fell in love. I have heardhim read many lectures against it, and I thank GodI am not a woman, to be touched with so manygiddy offences as he hath generally taxed theirwhole sex withal.

ORLANDO

Can you remember any of the principal evils that helaid to the charge of women?

ROSALIND

There were none principal; they were all like oneanother as half-pence are, every one fault seemingmonstrous till his fellow fault came to match it.

ORLANDO

I prithee, recount some of them.

ROSALIND

No, I will not cast away my physic but on those thatare sick. There is a man haunts the forest, thatabuses our young plants with carving 'Rosalind' ontheir barks; hangs odes upon hawthorns and elegieson brambles, all, forsooth, deifying the name ofRosalind: if I could meet that fancy-monger I wouldgive him some good counsel, for he seems to have thequotidian of love upon him.

ORLANDO

I am he that is so love-shaked: I pray you tell meyour remedy.

ROSALIND

There is none of my uncle's marks upon you: hetaught me how to know a man in love; in which cageof rushes I am sure you are not prisoner.

ORLANDO

What were his marks?

ROSALIND

A lean cheek, which you have not, a blue eye andsunken, which you have not, an unquestionablespirit, which you have not, a beard neglected,which you have not; but I pardon you for that, forsimply your having in beard is a younger brother'srevenue: then your hose should be ungartered, yourbonnet unbanded, your sleeve unbuttoned, your shoeuntied and every thing about you demonstrating acareless desolation; but you are no such man; youare rather point-device in your accoutrements asloving yourself than seeming the lover of any other.

ORLANDO

Fair youth, I would I could make thee believe I love.

ROSALIND

Me believe it! you may as soon make her that youlove believe it; which, I warrant, she is apter todo than to confess she does: that is one of thepoints in the which women still give the lie totheir consciences. But, in good sooth, are you hethat hangs the verses on the trees, wherein Rosalindis so admired?

ORLANDO

I swear to thee, youth, by the white hand ofRosalind, I am that he, that unfortunate he.

ROSALIND

But are you so much in love as your rhymes speak?

ORLANDO

Neither rhyme nor reason can express how much.

ROSALIND

Love is merely a madness, and, I tell you, deservesas well a dark house and a whip as madmen do: andthe reason why they are not so punished and curedis, that the lunacy is so ordinary that the whippersare in love too. Yet I profess curing it by counsel.

ORLANDO

Did you ever cure any so?

ROSALIND

Yes, one, and in this manner. He was to imagine mehis love, his mistress; and I set him every day towoo me: at which time would I, being but a moonishyouth, grieve, be effeminate, changeable, longingand liking, proud, fantastical, apish, shallow,inconstant, full of tears, full of smiles, for everypassion something and for no passion truly anything, as boys and women are for the most partcattle of this colour; would now like him, now loathehim; then entertain him, then forswear him; now weepfor him, then spit at him; that I drave my suitorfrom his mad humour of love to a living humour ofmadness; which was, to forswear the full stream ofthe world, and to live in a nook merely monastic.And thus I cured him; and this way will I take uponme to wash your liver as clean as a sound sheep'sheart, that there shall not be one spot of love in't.

ORLANDO

I would not be cured, youth.

ROSALIND

I would cure you, if you would but call me Rosalindand come every day to my cote and woo me.

ORLANDO

Now, by the faith of my love, I will: tell mewhere it is.

ROSALIND

Go with me to it and I'll show it you and by the wayyou shall tell me where in the forest you live.Will you go?

ORLANDO

With all my heart, good youth.

ROSALIND

Nay you must call me Rosalind. Come, sister, will you go?