As You Like It — Act 5, Scene 4 · Shakespeare for Bharat

DUKE SENIOR

Dost thou believe, Orlando, that the boyCan do all this that he hath promised?

ORLANDO

I sometimes do believe, and sometimes do not;As those that fear they hope, and know they fear.

ROSALIND

Patience once more, whiles our compact is urged:You say, if I bring in your Rosalind,You will bestow her on Orlando here?

DUKE SENIOR

That would I, had I kingdoms to give with her.

ROSALIND

And you say, you will have her, when I bring her?

ORLANDO

That would I, were I of all kingdoms king.

ROSALIND

You say, you'll marry me, if I be willing?

PHEBE

That will I, should I die the hour after.

ROSALIND

But if you do refuse to marry me,You'll give yourself to this most faithful shepherd?

PHEBE

So is the bargain.

ROSALIND

You say, that you'll have Phebe, if she will?

SILVIUS

Though to have her and death were both one thing.

ROSALIND

I have promised to make all this matter even.Keep you your word, O duke, to give your daughter;You yours, Orlando, to receive his daughter:Keep your word, Phebe, that you'll marry me,Or else refusing me, to wed this shepherd:Keep your word, Silvius, that you'll marry her.If she refuse me: and from hence I go,To make these doubts all even.

DUKE SENIOR

I do remember in this shepherd boySome lively touches of my daughter's favour.

ORLANDO

My lord, the first time that I ever saw himMethought he was a brother to your daughter:But, my good lord, this boy is forest-born,And hath been tutor'd in the rudimentsOf many desperate studies by his uncle,Whom he reports to be a great magician,Obscured in the circle of this forest.

JAQUES

There is, sure, another flood toward, and thesecouples are coming to the ark. Here comes a pair ofvery strange beasts, which in all tongues are called fools.

TOUCHSTONE

Salutation and greeting to you all!

JAQUES

Good my lord, bid him welcome: this is themotley-minded gentleman that I have so often met inthe forest: he hath been a courtier, he swears.

TOUCHSTONE

If any man doubt that, let him put me to mypurgation. I have trod a measure; I have flattereda lady; I have been politic with my friend, smoothwith mine enemy; I have undone three tailors; I havehad four quarrels, and like to have fought one.

JAQUES

And how was that ta'en up?

TOUCHSTONE

Faith, we met, and found the quarrel was upon theseventh cause.

JAQUES

How seventh cause? Good my lord, like this fellow.

DUKE SENIOR

I like him very well.

TOUCHSTONE

God 'ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. Ipress in here, sir, amongst the rest of the countrycopulatives, to swear and to forswear: according asmarriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin,sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poorhumour of mine, sir, to take that that no man elsewill: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in apoor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.

DUKE SENIOR

By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.

TOUCHSTONE

According to the fool's bolt, sir, and such dulcet diseases.

JAQUES

But, for the seventh cause; how did you find thequarrel on the seventh cause?

TOUCHSTONE

Upon a lie seven times removed:--bear your body moreseeming, Audrey:--as thus, sir. I did dislike thecut of a certain courtier's beard: he sent me word,if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in themind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous.If I sent him word again 'it was not well cut,' hewould send me word, he cut it to please himself:this is called the Quip Modest. If again 'it wasnot well cut,' he disabled my judgment: this iscalled the Reply Churlish. If again 'it was notwell cut,' he would answer, I spake not true: thisis called the Reproof Valiant. If again 'it was notwell cut,' he would say I lied: this is called theCounter-cheque Quarrelsome: and so to the LieCircumstantial and the Lie Direct.

JAQUES

And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?

TOUCHSTONE

I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial,nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so wemeasured swords and parted.

JAQUES

Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?

TOUCHSTONE

O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you havebooks for good manners: I will name you the degrees.The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, theQuip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; thefourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, theCountercheque Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie withCircumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. Allthese you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you mayavoid that too, with an If. I knew when sevenjustices could not take up a quarrel, but when theparties were met themselves, one of them thought butof an If, as, 'If you said so, then I said so;' andthey shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is theonly peacemaker; much virtue in If.

JAQUES

Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he's as good atany thing and yet a fool.

DUKE SENIOR

He uses his folly like a stalking-horse and underthe presentation of that he shoots his wit.

HYMEN

Then is there mirth in heaven,When earthly things made evenAtone together.Good duke, receive thy daughterHymen from heaven brought her,Yea, brought her hither,That thou mightst join her hand with hisWhose heart within his bosom is.

ROSALIND

[To DUKE SENIOR] To you I give myself, for I am yours.

ROSALIND

To you I give myself, for I am yours.

DUKE SENIOR

If there be truth in sight, you are my daughter.

ORLANDO

If there be truth in sight, you are my Rosalind.

PHEBE

If sight and shape be true,Why then, my love adieu!

ROSALIND

I'll have no father, if you be not he:I'll have no husband, if you be not he:Nor ne'er wed woman, if you be not she.

HYMEN

Peace, ho! I bar confusion:'Tis I must make conclusionOf these most strange events:Here's eight that must take handsTo join in Hymen's bands,If truth holds true contents.You and you no cross shall part:You and you are heart in heartYou to his love must accord,Or have a woman to your lord:You and you are sure together,As the winter to foul weather.Whiles a wedlock-hymn we sing,Feed yourselves with questioning;That reason wonder may diminish,How thus we met, and these things finish.SONG.Wedding is great Juno's crown:O blessed bond of board and bed!'Tis Hymen peoples every town;High wedlock then be honoured:Honour, high honour and renown,To Hymen, god of every town!

DUKE SENIOR

O my dear niece, welcome thou art to me!Even daughter, welcome, in no less degree.

PHEBE

I will not eat my word, now thou art mine;Thy faith my fancy to thee doth combine.

JAQUES DE BOYS

Let me have audience for a word or two:I am the second son of old Sir Rowland,That bring these tidings to this fair assembly.Duke Frederick, hearing how that every dayMen of great worth resorted to this forest,Address'd a mighty power; which were on foot,In his own conduct, purposely to takeHis brother here and put him to the sword:And to the skirts of this wild wood he came;Where meeting with an old religious man,After some question with him, was convertedBoth from his enterprise and from the world,His crown bequeathing to his banish'd brother,And all their lands restored to them againThat were with him exiled. This to be true,I do engage my life.

DUKE SENIOR

Welcome, young man;Thou offer'st fairly to thy brothers' wedding:To one his lands withheld, and to the otherA land itself at large, a potent dukedom.First, in this forest, let us do those endsThat here were well begun and well begot:And after, every of this happy numberThat have endured shrewd days and nights with usShall share the good of our returned fortune,According to the measure of their states.Meantime, forget this new-fall'n dignityAnd fall into our rustic revelry.Play, music! And you, brides and bridegrooms all,With measure heap'd in joy, to the measures fall.

JAQUES

Sir, by your patience. If I heard you rightly,The duke hath put on a religious lifeAnd thrown into neglect the pompous court?

JAQUES DE BOYS

He hath.

JAQUES

To him will I : out of these convertitesThere is much matter to be heard and learn'd.

JAQUES

You to your former honour I bequeath;Your patience and your virtue well deserves it:

JAQUES

You to a love that your true faith doth merit:

JAQUES

You to your land and love and great allies:

JAQUES

You to a long and well-deserved bed:

JAQUES

And you to wrangling; for thy loving voyageIs but for two months victuall'd. So, to your pleasures:I am for other than for dancing measures.

DUKE SENIOR

Stay, Jaques, stay.

JAQUES

To see no pastime I what you would haveI'll stay to know at your abandon'd cave.

DUKE SENIOR

Proceed, proceed: we will begin these rites,As we do trust they'll end, in true delights.

DUKE SENIOR

EPILOGUE

ROSALIND

It is not the fashion to see the lady the epilogue;but it is no more unhandsome than to see the lordthe prologue. If it be true that good wine needsno bush, 'tis true that a good play needs noepilogue; yet to good wine they do use good bushes,and good plays prove the better by the help of goodepilogues. What a case am I in then, that amneither a good epilogue nor cannot insinuate withyou in the behalf of a good play! I am notfurnished like a beggar, therefore to beg will notbecome me: my way is to conjure you; and I'll beginwith the women. I charge you, O women, for the loveyou bear to men, to like as much of this play asplease you: and I charge you, O men, for the loveyou bear to women--as I perceive by your simpering,none of you hates them--that between you and thewomen the play may please. If I were a woman Iwould kiss as many of you as had beards that pleasedme, complexions that liked me and breaths that Idefied not: and, I am sure, as many as have goodbeards or good faces or sweet breaths will, for mykind offer, when I make curtsy, bid me farewell.