Act V · Scene I
The same.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter HOLOFERNES, SIR NATHANIEL, and DULL
HOLOFERNES
Satis quod sufficit.
SIR NATHANIEL
I praise God for you, sir: your reasons at dinnerhave been sharp and sententious; pleasant withoutscurrility, witty without affection, audacious withoutimpudency, learned without opinion, and strange with-out heresy. I did converse this quondam day witha companion of the king's, who is intituled, nomi-nated, or called, Don Adriano de Armado.
HOLOFERNES
Novi hominem tanquam te: his humour is lofty, hisdiscourse peremptory, his tongue filed, his eyeambitious, his gait majestical, and his generalbehavior vain, ridiculous, and thrasonical. He istoo picked, too spruce, too affected, too odd, as itwere, too peregrinate, as I may call it.
SIR NATHANIEL
A most singular and choice epithet.
Draws out his table-book
HOLOFERNES
He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finerthan the staple of his argument. I abhor suchfanatical phantasimes, such insociable andpoint-devise companions; such rackers oforthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he shouldsay doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt,--d,e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf;half, hauf; neighbour vocatur nebor; neighabbreviated ne. This is abhominable,--which hewould call abbominable: it insinuateth me ofinsanie: anne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.
SIR NATHANIEL
Laus Deo, bene intelligo.
HOLOFERNES
Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratch'd,'twill serve.
SIR NATHANIEL
Videsne quis venit?
HOLOFERNES
Video, et gaudeo.
Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARD
HOLOFERNES
DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Chirrah!
To MOTH
HOLOFERNES
Quare chirrah, not sirrah?DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Men of peace, well encountered.
HOLOFERNES
Most military sir, salutation.
MOTH
[Aside to COSTARD] They have been at a great feastof languages, and stolen the scraps.
COSTARD
O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;for thou art not so long by the head ashonorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easierswallowed than a flap-dragon.
MOTH
Peace! the peal begins.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
[To HOLOFERNES] Monsieur, are you not lettered?
MOTH
Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a,b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?
HOLOFERNES
Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.
MOTH
Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.
HOLOFERNES
Quis, quis, thou consonant?
MOTH
The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; orthe fifth, if I.
HOLOFERNES
I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--
MOTH
The sheep: the other two concludes it,--o, u.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweettouch, a quick venue of wit! snip, snap, quick andhome! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!
MOTH
Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.
HOLOFERNES
What is the figure? what is the figure?
MOTH
Horns.
HOLOFERNES
Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.
MOTH
Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip aboutyour infamy circum circa,--a gig of a cuckold's horn.
COSTARD
An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldsthave it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the veryremuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpennypurse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, anthe heavens were so pleased that thou wert but mybastard, what a joyful father wouldst thou make me!Go to; thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers'ends, as they say.
HOLOFERNES
O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singled from thebarbarous. Do you not educate youth at thecharge-house on the top of the mountain?
HOLOFERNES
Or mons, the hill.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.
HOLOFERNES
I do, sans question.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sir, it is the king's most sweet pleasure andaffection to congratulate the princess at herpavilion in the posteriors of this day, which therude multitude call the afternoon.
HOLOFERNES
The posterior of the day, most generous sir, isliable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon:the word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I doassure you, sir, I do assure.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar,I do assure ye, very good friend: for what isinward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee,remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thyhead: and among other important and most seriousdesigns, and of great import indeed, too, but letthat pass: for I must tell thee, it will please hisgrace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poorshoulder, and with his royal finger, thus, dallywith my excrement, with my mustachio; but, sweetheart, let that pass. By the world, I recount nofable: some certain special honours it pleaseth hisgreatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man oftravel, that hath seen the world; but let that pass.The very all of all is,--but, sweet heart, I doimplore secrecy,--that the king would have mepresent the princess, sweet chuck, with somedelightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, orantique, or firework. Now, understanding that thecurate and your sweet self are good at sucheruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as itwere, I have acquainted you withal, to the end tocrave your assistance.
HOLOFERNES
Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.Sir, as concerning some entertainment of time, someshow in the posterior of this day, to be rendered byour assistants, at the king's command, and this mostgallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman, beforethe princess; I say none so fit as to present theNine Worthies.
SIR NATHANIEL
Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?
HOLOFERNES
Joshua, yourself; myself and this gallant gentleman,Judas Maccabaeus; this swain, because of his greatlimb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; thepage, Hercules,--DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Pardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough forthat Worthy's thumb: he is not so big as the end of his club.
HOLOFERNES
Shall I have audience? he shall present Hercules inminority: his enter and exit shall be strangling asnake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.
MOTH
An excellent device! so, if any of the audiencehiss, you may cry 'Well done, Hercules! now thoucrushest the snake!' that is the way to make anoffence gracious, though few have the grace to do it.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
For the rest of the Worthies?--
HOLOFERNES
I will play three myself.
MOTH
Thrice-worthy gentleman!DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
Shall I tell you a thing?
HOLOFERNES
We attend.DON
ADRIANO DE ARMADO
We will have, if this fadge not, an antique. Ibeseech you, follow.
HOLOFERNES
Via, goodman Dull! thou hast spoken no word all this while.
DULL
Nor understood none neither, sir.
HOLOFERNES
Allons! we will employ thee.
DULL
I'll make one in a dance, or so; or I will playOn the tabour to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.
HOLOFERNES
Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away!
Exeunt
HOLOFERNES
LOVE'S LABOURS LOST