Act III · Scene V
A room in the Garter Inn.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, I say,--
BARDOLPH
Here, sir.
FALSTAFF
Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't.
Exit BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like abarrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in theThames? Well, if I be served such another trick,I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and givethem to a dog for a new-year's gift. The roguesslighted me into the river with as little remorse asthey would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies,fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my sizethat I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if thebottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I hadbeen drowned, but that the shore was shelvy andshallow,--a death that I abhor; for the water swellsa man; and what a thing should I have been when Ihad been swelled! I should have been a mountain of mummy.
Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack
BARDOLPH
Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you.
FALSTAFF
Let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for mybelly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs forpills to cool the reins. Call her in.
BARDOLPH
Come in, woman!
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
MISTRESS QUICKLY
By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worshipgood morrow.
FALSTAFF
Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle ofsack finely.
BARDOLPH
With eggs, sir?
FALSTAFF
Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage.
Exit BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
How now!
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was throwninto the ford; I have my belly full of ford.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault:she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection.
FALSTAFF
So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearnyour heart to see it. Her husband goes this morninga-birding; she desires you once more to come to herbetween eight and nine: I must carry her wordquickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you.
FALSTAFF
Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid herthink what a man is: let her consider his frailty,and then judge of my merit.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
I will tell her.
FALSTAFF
Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Eight and nine, sir.
FALSTAFF
Well, be gone: I will not miss her.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Peace be with you, sir.
Exit
FALSTAFF
I marvel I hear not of Master Brook; he sent me wordto stay within: I like his money well. O, here he comes.
Enter FORD
FORD
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
Now, master Brook, you come to know what hath passedbetween me and Ford's wife?
FORD
That, indeed, Sir John, is my business.
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will not lie to you: I was at herhouse the hour she appointed me.
FORD
And sped you, sir?
FALSTAFF
Very ill-favoredly, Master Brook.
FORD
How so, sir? Did she change her determination?
FALSTAFF
No, Master Brook; but the peaking Cornuto herhusband, Master Brook, dwelling in a continual'larum of jealousy, comes me in the instant of ourencounter, after we had embraced, kissed, protested,and, as it were, spoke the prologue of our comedy;and at his heels a rabble of his companions, thitherprovoked and instigated by his distemper, and,forsooth, to search his house for his wife's love.
FORD
What, while you were there?
FALSTAFF
While I was there.
FORD
And did he search for you, and could not find you?
FALSTAFF
You shall hear. As good luck would have it, comesin one Mistress Page; gives intelligence of Ford'sapproach; and, in her invention and Ford's wife'sdistraction, they conveyed me into a buck-basket.
FORD
A buck-basket!
FALSTAFF
By the Lord, a buck-basket! rammed me in with foulshirts and smocks, socks, foul stockings, greasynapkins; that, Master Brook, there was the rankestcompound of villanous smell that ever offended nostril.
FORD
And how long lay you there?
FALSTAFF
Nay, you shall hear, Master Brook, what I havesuffered to bring this woman to evil for your good.Being thus crammed in the basket, a couple of Ford'sknaves, his hinds, were called forth by theirmistress to carry me in the name of foul clothes toDatchet-lane: they took me on their shoulders; metthe jealous knave their master in the door, whoasked them once or twice what they had in theirbasket: I quaked for fear, lest the lunatic knavewould have searched it; but fate, ordaining heshould be a cuckold, held his hand. Well: on went hefor a search, and away went I for foul clothes. Butmark the sequel, Master Brook: I suffered the pangsof three several deaths; first, an intolerablefright, to be detected with a jealous rottenbell-wether; next, to be compassed, like a goodbilbo, in the circumference of a peck, hilt topoint, heel to head; and then, to be stopped in,like a strong distillation, with stinking clothesthat fretted in their own grease: think of that,--aman of my kidney,--think of that,--that am as subjectto heat as butter; a man of continual dissolutionand thaw: it was a miracle to scape suffocation.And in the height of this bath, when I was more thanhalf stewed in grease, like a Dutch dish, to bethrown into the Thames, and cooled, glowing hot,in that surge, like a horse-shoe; think ofthat,--hissing hot,--think of that, Master Brook.
FORD
In good sadness, I am sorry that for my sake youhave sufferd all this. My suit then is desperate;you'll undertake her no more?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will be thrown into Etna, as I havebeen into Thames, ere I will leave her thus. Herhusband is this morning gone a-birding: I havereceived from her another embassy of meeting; 'twixteight and nine is the hour, Master Brook.
FORD
'Tis past eight already, sir.
FALSTAFF
Is it? I will then address me to my appointment.Come to me at your convenient leisure, and you shallknow how I speed; and the conclusion shall becrowned with your enjoying her. Adieu. You shallhave her, Master Brook; Master Brook, you shallcuckold Ford.
Exit
FORD
Hum! ha! is this a vision? is this a dream? do Isleep? Master Ford awake! awake, Master Ford!there's a hole made in your best coat, Master Ford.This 'tis to be married! this 'tis to have linenand buck-baskets! Well, I will proclaim myselfwhat I am: I will now take the lecher; he is at myhouse; he cannot 'scape me; 'tis impossible heshould; he cannot creep into a halfpenny purse,nor into a pepper-box: but, lest the devil thatguides him should aid him, I will searchimpossible places. Though what I am I cannot avoid,yet to be what I would not shall not make me tame:if I have horns to make one mad, let the proverb gowith me: I'll be horn-mad.
Exit