Act IV · Scene II
A room in FORD'S house.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS FORD
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, your sorrow hath eaten up mysufferance. I see you are obsequious in your love,and I profess requital to a hair's breadth; notonly, Mistress Ford, in the simpleoffice of love, but in all the accoutrement,complement and ceremony of it. But are yousure of your husband now?
MISTRESS FORD
He's a-birding, sweet Sir John.
MISTRESS PAGE
[Within] What, ho, gossip Ford! what, ho!
MISTRESS FORD
Step into the chamber, Sir John.
Exit FALSTAFF
Enter MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
How now, sweetheart! who's at home besides yourself?
MISTRESS FORD
Why, none but mine own people.
MISTRESS PAGE
Indeed!
MISTRESS FORD
No, certainly.
Aside to her
MISTRESS FORD
Speak louder.
MISTRESS PAGE
Truly, I am so glad you have nobody here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why?
MISTRESS PAGE
Why, woman, your husband is in his old lunes again:he so takes on yonder with my husband; so railsagainst all married mankind; so curses all Eve'sdaughters, of what complexion soever; and so buffetshimself on the forehead, crying, 'Peer out, peerout!' that any madness I ever yet beheld seemed buttameness, civility and patience, to this hisdistemper he is in now: I am glad the fat knight is not here.
MISTRESS FORD
Why, does he talk of him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Of none but him; and swears he was carried out, thelast time he searched for him, in a basket; proteststo my husband he is now here, and hath drawn him andthe rest of their company from their sport, to makeanother experiment of his suspicion: but I am gladthe knight is not here; now he shall see his own foolery.
MISTRESS FORD
How near is he, Mistress Page?
MISTRESS PAGE
Hard by; at street end; he will be here anon.
MISTRESS FORD
I am undone! The knight is here.
MISTRESS PAGE
Why then you are utterly shamed, and he's but a deadman. What a woman are you!--Away with him, awaywith him! better shame than murder.
FORD
Which way should be go? how should I bestow him?Shall I put him into the basket again?
Re-enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
No, I'll come no more i' the basket. May I not goout ere he come?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas, three of Master Ford's brothers watch the doorwith pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwiseyou might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I'll creep up into the chimney.
MISTRESS FORD
There they always use to discharge theirbirding-pieces. Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MISTRESS FORD
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press,coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath anabstract for the remembrance of such places, andgoes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
I'll go out then.
MISTRESS PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, SirJohn. Unless you go out disguised--
MISTRESS FORD
How might we disguise him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Alas the day, I know not! There is no woman's gownbig enough for him otherwise he might put on a hat,a muffler and a kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity ratherthan a mischief.
MISTRESS FORD
My maid's aunt, the fat woman of Brentford, has agown above.
MISTRESS PAGE
On my word, it will serve him; she's as big as heis: and there's her thrummed hat and her mufflertoo. Run up, Sir John.
MISTRESS FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John: Mistress Page and I willlook some linen for your head.
MISTRESS PAGE
Quick, quick! we'll come dress you straight: puton the gown the while.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape: hecannot abide the old woman of Brentford; he swearsshe's a witch; forbade her my house and haththreatened to beat her.
MISTRESS PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband's cudgel, and thedevil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MISTRESS FORD
But is my husband coming?
MISTRESS PAGE
Ah, in good sadness, is he; and talks of the baskettoo, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
MISTRESS FORD
We'll try that; for I'll appoint my men to carry thebasket again, to meet him at the door with it, asthey did last time.
MISTRESS PAGE
Nay, but he'll be here presently: let's go dress himlike the witch of Brentford.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll first direct my men what they shall do with thebasket. Go up; I'll bring linen for him straight.
Exit
MISTRESS PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.We'll leave a proof, by that which we will do,Wives may be merry, and yet honest too:We do not act that often jest and laugh;'Tis old, but true, Still swine eat all the draff.
Exit
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD with two Servants
MISTRESS FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders:your master is hard at door; if he bid you set itdown, obey him: quickly, dispatch.
Exit
First Servant
Come, come, take it up.
Second Servant
Pray heaven it be not full of knight again.
First Servant
I hope not; I had as lief bear so much lead.
Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you anyway then to unfool me again? Set down the basket,villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket!O you panderly rascals! there's a knot, a ging, apack, a conspiracy against me: now shall the devilbe shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth!Behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford; you are not to goloose any longer; you must be pinioned.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog!
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir.
Re-enter MISTRESS FORD
FORD
Come hither, Mistress Ford; Mistress Ford the honestwoman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, thathath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspectwithout cause, mistress, do I?
MISTRESS FORD
Heaven be my witness you do, if you suspect me inany dishonesty.
FORD
Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah!
Pulling clothes out of the basket
PAGE
This passes!
MISTRESS FORD
Are you not ashamed? let the clothes alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
SIR HUGH EVANS
'Tis unreasonable! Will you take up your wife'sclothes? Come away.
FORD
Empty the basket, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyedout of my house yesterday in this basket: why maynot he be there again? In my house I am sure he is:my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable.Pluck me out all the linen.
MISTRESS FORD
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea's death.
PAGE
Here's no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; thiswrongs you.
SIR HUGH EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow theimaginations of your own heart: this is jealousies.
FORD
Well, he's not here I seek for.
PAGE
No, nor nowhere else but in your brain.
FORD
Help to search my house this one time. If I findnot what I seek, show no colour for my extremity; letme for ever be your table-sport; let them say ofme, 'As jealous as Ford, Chat searched a hollowwalnut for his wife's leman.' Satisfy me once more;once more search with me.
MISTRESS FORD
What, ho, Mistress Page! come you and the old womandown; my husband will come into the chamber.
FORD
Old woman! what old woman's that?
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, it is my maid's aunt of Brentford.
FORD
A witch, a quean, an old cozening quean! Have I notforbid her my house? She comes of errands, doesshe? We are simple men; we do not know what'sbrought to pass under the profession offortune-telling. She works by charms, by spells,by the figure, and such daubery as this is, beyondour element we know nothing. Come down, you witch,you hag, you; come down, I say!
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, good, sweet husband! Good gentlemen, let himnot strike the old woman.
Re-enter FALSTAFF in woman's clothes, and MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, Mother Prat; come, give me your hand.
FORD
I'll prat her.
Beating him
FORD
Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, youpolecat, you runyon! out, out! I'll conjure you,I'll fortune-tell you.
Exit FALSTAFF
MISTRESS PAGE
Are you not ashamed? I think you have killed thepoor woman.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, he will do it. 'Tis a goodly credit for you.
FORD
Hang her, witch!
SIR HUGH EVANS
By the yea and no, I think the 'oman is a witchindeed: I like not when a 'oman has a great peard;I spy a great peard under his muffler.
FORD
Will you follow, gentlemen? I beseech you, follow;see but the issue of my jealousy: if I cry out thusupon no trail, never trust me when I open again.
PAGE
Let's obey his humour a little further: come,gentlemen.
Exeunt FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, DOCTOR CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS
MISTRESS PAGE
Trust me, he beat him most pitifully.
MISTRESS FORD
Nay, by the mass, that he did not; he beat him mostunpitifully, methought.
MISTRESS PAGE
I'll have the cudgel hallowed and hung o'er thealtar; it hath done meritorious service.
MISTRESS FORD
What think you? may we, with the warrant ofwomanhood and the witness of a good conscience,pursue him with any further revenge?
MISTRESS PAGE
The spirit of wantonness is, sure, scared out ofhim: if the devil have him not in fee-simple, withfine and recovery, he will never, I think, in theway of waste, attempt us again.
MISTRESS FORD
Shall we tell our husbands how we have served him?
MISTRESS PAGE
Yes, by all means; if it be but to scrape thefigures out of your husband's brains. If they canfind in their hearts the poor unvirtuous fat knightshall be any further afflicted, we two will still bethe ministers.
MISTRESS FORD
I'll warrant they'll have him publicly shamed: andmethinks there would be no period to the jest,should he not be publicly shamed.
MISTRESS PAGE
Come, to the forge with it then; shape it: I wouldnot have things cool.
Exeunt