Act IV · Scene V
A room in the Garter Inn.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter Host and SIMPLE
Host
What wouldst thou have, boor? what: thick-skin?speak, breathe, discuss; brief, short, quick, snap.
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, I come to speak with Sir John Falstafffrom Master Slender.
Host
There's his chamber, his house, his castle, hisstanding-bed and truckle-bed; 'tis painted aboutwith the story of the Prodigal, fresh and new. Goknock and call; hell speak like an Anthropophaginianunto thee: knock, I say.
SIMPLE
There's an old woman, a fat woman, gone up into hischamber: I'll be so bold as stay, sir, till she comedown; I come to speak with her, indeed.
Host
Ha! a fat woman! the knight may be robbed: I'llcall. Bully knight! bully Sir John! speak fromthy lungs military: art thou there? it is thinehost, thine Ephesian, calls.
FALSTAFF
[Above] How now, mine host!
Host
Here's a Bohemian-Tartar tarries the coming down ofthy fat woman. Let her descend, bully, let herdescend; my chambers are honourable: fie! privacy?fie!
Enter FALSTAFF
FALSTAFF
There was, mine host, an old fat woman even now withme; but she's gone.
SIMPLE
Pray you, sir, was't not the wise woman ofBrentford?
FALSTAFF
Ay, marry, was it, mussel-shell: what would you with her?
SIMPLE
My master, sir, Master Slender, sent to her, seeingher go through the streets, to know, sir, whetherone Nym, sir, that beguiled him of a chain, had thechain or no.
FALSTAFF
I spake with the old woman about it.
SIMPLE
And what says she, I pray, sir?
FALSTAFF
Marry, she says that the very same man thatbeguiled Master Slender of his chain cozened him ofit.
SIMPLE
I would I could have spoken with the woman herself;I had other things to have spoken with her too fromhim.
FALSTAFF
What are they? let us know.
Host
Ay, come; quick.
SIMPLE
I may not conceal them, sir.
Host
Conceal them, or thou diest.
SIMPLE
Why, sir, they were nothing but about Mistress AnnePage; to know if it were my master's fortune tohave her or no.
FALSTAFF
'Tis, 'tis his fortune.
SIMPLE
What, sir?
FALSTAFF
To have her, or no. Go; say the woman told me so.
SIMPLE
May I be bold to say so, sir?
FALSTAFF
Ay, sir; like who more bold.
SIMPLE
I thank your worship: I shall make my master gladwith these tidings.
Exit
Host
Thou art clerkly, thou art clerkly, Sir John. Wasthere a wise woman with thee?
FALSTAFF
Ay, that there was, mine host; one that hath taughtme more wit than ever I learned before in my life;and I paid nothing for it neither, but was paid formy learning.
Enter BARDOLPH
BARDOLPH
Out, alas, sir! cozenage, mere cozenage!
Host
Where be my horses? speak well of them, varletto.
BARDOLPH
Run away with the cozeners; for so soon as I camebeyond Eton, they threw me off from behind one ofthem, in a slough of mire; and set spurs and away,like three German devils, three Doctor Faustuses.
Host
They are gone but to meet the duke, villain: do notsay they be fled; Germans are honest men.
Enter SIR HUGH EVANS
SIR HUGH EVANS
Where is mine host?
Host
What is the matter, sir?
SIR HUGH EVANS
Have a care of your entertainments: there is afriend of mine come to town tells me there is threecozen-germans that has cozened all the hosts ofReadins, of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses andmoney. I tell you for good will, look you: youare wise and full of gibes and vlouting-stocks, and'tis not convenient you should be cozened. Fare you well.
Exit
Enter DOCTOR CAIUS
DOCTOR CAIUS
Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
Host
Here, master doctor, in perplexity and doubtful dilemma.
DOCTOR CAIUS
I cannot tell vat is dat: but it is tell-a me datyou make grand preparation for a duke de Jamany: bymy trot, dere is no duke dat the court is know tocome. I tell you for good vill: adieu.
Exit
Host
Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight. I amundone! Fly, run, hue and cry, villain! I am undone!
Exeunt Host and BARDOLPH
FALSTAFF
I would all the world might be cozened; for I havebeen cozened and beaten too. If it should come tothe ear of the court, how I have been transformedand how my transformation hath been washed andcudgelled, they would melt me out of my fat drop bydrop and liquor fishermen's boots with me; I warrantthey would whip me with their fine wits till I wereas crest-fallen as a dried pear. I never prosperedsince I forswore myself at primero. Well, if mywind were but long enough to say my prayers, I would repent.
Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY
FALSTAFF
Now, whence come you?
MISTRESS QUICKLY
From the two parties, forsooth.
FALSTAFF
The devil take one party and his dam the other! andso they shall be both bestowed. I have suffered morefor their sakes, more than the villanous inconstancyof man's disposition is able to bear.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
And have not they suffered? Yes, I warrant;speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart,is beaten black and blue, that you cannot see awhite spot about her.
FALSTAFF
What tellest thou me of black and blue? I wasbeaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow;and I was like to be apprehended for the witch ofBrentford: but that my admirable dexterity of wit,my counterfeiting the action of an old woman,delivered me, the knave constable had set me i' thestocks, i' the common stocks, for a witch.
MISTRESS QUICKLY
Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber: youshall hear how things go; and, I warrant, to yourcontent. Here is a letter will say somewhat. Goodhearts, what ado here is to bring you together!Sure, one of you does not serve heaven well, thatyou are so crossed.
FALSTAFF
Come up into my chamber.
Exeunt