Much Ado About Nothing — Act 2, Scene 3

BENEDICK

Boy!

Boy

Signior?

BENEDICK

In my chamber-window lies a book: bring it hitherto me in the orchard.

Boy

I am here already, sir.

BENEDICK

I know that; but I would have thee hence, and here again.

BENEDICK

I do much wonder that one man, seeing how muchanother man is a fool when he dedicates hisbehaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed atsuch shallow follies in others, become the argumentof his own scorn by failing in love: and such a manis Claudio. I have known when there was no musicwith him but the drum and the fife; and now had herather hear the tabour and the pipe: I have knownwhen he would have walked ten mile a-foot to see agood armour; and now will he lie ten nights awake,carving the fashion of a new doublet. He was wont tospeak plain and to the purpose, like an honest manand a soldier; and now is he turned orthography; hiswords are a very fantastical banquet, just so manystrange dishes. May I be so converted and see withthese eyes? I cannot tell; I think not: I will notbe sworn, but love may transform me to an oyster; butI'll take my oath on it, till he have made an oysterof me, he shall never make me such a fool. One womanis fair, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I amwell; another virtuous, yet I am well; but till allgraces be in one woman, one woman shall not come inmy grace. Rich she shall be, that's certain; wise,or I'll none; virtuous, or I'll never cheapen her;fair, or I'll never look on her; mild, or come notnear me; noble, or not I for an angel; of gooddiscourse, an excellent musician, and her hair shallbe of what colour it please God. Ha! the prince andMonsieur Love! I will hide me in the arbour.

DON PEDRO

Come, shall we hear this music?

CLAUDIO

Yea, my good lord. How still the evening is,As hush'd on purpose to grace harmony!

DON PEDRO

See you where Benedick hath hid himself?

CLAUDIO

O, very well, my lord: the music ended,We'll fit the kid-fox with a pennyworth.

DON PEDRO

Come, Balthasar, we'll hear that song again.

BALTHASAR

O, good my lord, tax not so bad a voiceTo slander music any more than once.

DON PEDRO

It is the witness still of excellencyTo put a strange face on his own perfection.I pray thee, sing, and let me woo no more.

BALTHASAR

Because you talk of wooing, I will sing;Since many a wooer doth commence his suitTo her he thinks not worthy, yet he wooes,Yet will he swear he loves.

DON PEDRO

Now, pray thee, come;Or, if thou wilt hold longer argument,Do it in notes.

BALTHASAR

Note this before my notes;There's not a note of mine that's worth the noting.

DON PEDRO

Why, these are very crotchets that he speaks;Note, notes, forsooth, and nothing.

BENEDICK

Now, divine air! now is his soul ravished! Is itnot strange that sheeps' guts should hale souls outof men's bodies? Well, a horn for my money, whenall's done.

BALTHASAR

Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more,Men were deceivers ever,One foot in sea and one on shore,To one thing constant never:Then sigh not so, but let them go,And be you blithe and bonny,Converting all your sounds of woeInto Hey nonny, nonny.Sing no more ditties, sing no moe,Of dumps so dull and heavy;The fraud of men was ever so,Since summer first was leafy:Then sigh not so, & c.

DON PEDRO

By my troth, a good song.

BALTHASAR

And an ill singer, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Ha, no, no, faith; thou singest well enough for a shift.

BENEDICK

An he had been a dog that should have howled thus,they would have hanged him: and I pray God his badvoice bode no mischief. I had as lief have heard thenight-raven, come what plague could have come afterit.

DON PEDRO

Yea, marry, dost thou hear, Balthasar? I pray thee,get us some excellent music; for to-morrow night wewould have it at the Lady Hero's chamber-window.

BALTHASAR

The best I can, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Do so: farewell.

DON PEDRO

Come hither, Leonato. What was it you told me ofto-day, that your niece Beatrice was in love withSignior Benedick?

CLAUDIO

O, ay: stalk on. stalk on; the fowl sits. I didnever think that lady would have loved any man.

LEONATO

No, nor I neither; but most wonderful that sheshould so dote on Signior Benedick, whom she hath inall outward behaviors seemed ever to abhor.

BENEDICK

Is't possible? Sits the wind in that corner?

LEONATO

By my troth, my lord, I cannot tell what to thinkof it but that she loves him with an enragedaffection: it is past the infinite of thought.

DON PEDRO

May be she doth but counterfeit.

CLAUDIO

Faith, like enough.

LEONATO

O God, counterfeit! There was never counterfeit ofpassion came so near the life of passion as shediscovers it.

DON PEDRO

Why, what effects of passion shows she?

CLAUDIO

Bait the hook well; this fish will bite.

LEONATO

What effects, my lord? She will sit you, you heardmy daughter tell you how.

CLAUDIO

She did, indeed.

DON PEDRO

How, how, pray you? You amaze me: I would have Ithought her spirit had been invincible against allassaults of affection.

LEONATO

I would have sworn it had, my lord; especiallyagainst Benedick.

BENEDICK

I should think this a gull, but that thewhite-bearded fellow speaks it: knavery cannot,sure, hide himself in such reverence.

CLAUDIO

He hath ta'en the infection: hold it up.

DON PEDRO

Hath she made her affection known to Benedick?

LEONATO

No; and swears she never will: that's her torment.

CLAUDIO

'Tis true, indeed; so your daughter says: 'ShallI,' says she, 'that have so oft encountered himwith scorn, write to him that I love him?'

LEONATO

This says she now when she is beginning to write tohim; for she'll be up twenty times a night, andthere will she sit in her smock till she have writ asheet of paper: my daughter tells us all.

CLAUDIO

Now you talk of a sheet of paper, I remember apretty jest your daughter told us of.

LEONATO

O, when she had writ it and was reading it over, shefound Benedick and Beatrice between the sheet?

CLAUDIO

That.

LEONATO

O, she tore the letter into a thousand halfpence;railed at herself, that she should be so immodestto write to one that she knew would flout her; 'Imeasure him,' says she, 'by my own spirit; for Ishould flout him, if he writ to me; yea, though Ilove him, I should.'

CLAUDIO

Then down upon her knees she falls, weeps, sobs,beats her heart, tears her hair, prays, curses; 'Osweet Benedick! God give me patience!'

LEONATO

She doth indeed; my daughter says so: and theecstasy hath so much overborne her that my daughteris sometime afeared she will do a desperate outrageto herself: it is very true.

DON PEDRO

It were good that Benedick knew of it by someother, if she will not discover it.

CLAUDIO

To what end? He would make but a sport of it andtorment the poor lady worse.

DON PEDRO

An he should, it were an alms to hang him. She's anexcellent sweet lady; and, out of all suspicion,she is virtuous.

CLAUDIO

And she is exceeding wise.

DON PEDRO

In every thing but in loving Benedick.

LEONATO

O, my lord, wisdom and blood combating in so tendera body, we have ten proofs to one that blood haththe victory. I am sorry for her, as I have justcause, being her uncle and her guardian.

DON PEDRO

I would she had bestowed this dotage on me: I wouldhave daffed all other respects and made her halfmyself. I pray you, tell Benedick of it, and hearwhat a' will say.

LEONATO

Were it good, think you?

CLAUDIO

Hero thinks surely she will die; for she says shewill die, if he love her not, and she will die, ereshe make her love known, and she will die, if he wooher, rather than she will bate one breath of heraccustomed crossness.

DON PEDRO

She doth well: if she should make tender of herlove, 'tis very possible he'll scorn it; for theman, as you know all, hath a contemptible spirit.

CLAUDIO

He is a very proper man.

DON PEDRO

He hath indeed a good outward happiness.

CLAUDIO

Before God! and, in my mind, very wise.

DON PEDRO

He doth indeed show some sparks that are like wit.

CLAUDIO

And I take him to be valiant.

DON PEDRO

As Hector, I assure you: and in the managing ofquarrels you may say he is wise; for either heavoids them with great discretion, or undertakesthem with a most Christian-like fear.

LEONATO

If he do fear God, a' must necessarily keep peace:if he break the peace, he ought to enter into aquarrel with fear and trembling.

DON PEDRO

And so will he do; for the man doth fear God,howsoever it seems not in him by some large jestshe will make. Well I am sorry for your niece. Shallwe go seek Benedick, and tell him of her love?

CLAUDIO

Never tell him, my lord: let her wear it out withgood counsel.

LEONATO

Nay, that's impossible: she may wear her heart out first.

DON PEDRO

Well, we will hear further of it by your daughter:let it cool the while. I love Benedick well; and Icould wish he would modestly examine himself, to seehow much he is unworthy so good a lady.

LEONATO

My lord, will you walk? dinner is ready.

CLAUDIO

If he do not dote on her upon this, I will nevertrust my expectation.

DON PEDRO

Let there be the same net spread for her; and thatmust your daughter and her gentlewomen carry. Thesport will be, when they hold one an opinion ofanother's dotage, and no such matter: that's thescene that I would see, which will be merely adumb-show. Let us send her to call him in to dinner.

BENEDICK

[Coming forward] This can be no trick: theconference was sadly borne. They have the truth ofthis from Hero. They seem to pity the lady: itseems her affections have their full bent. Love me!why, it must be requited. I hear how I am censured:they say I will bear myself proudly, if I perceivethe love come from her; they say too that she willrather die than give any sign of affection. I didnever think to marry: I must not seem proud: happyare they that hear their detractions and can putthem to mending. They say the lady is fair; 'tis atruth, I can bear them witness; and virtuous; 'tisso, I cannot reprove it; and wise, but for lovingme; by my troth, it is no addition to her wit, norno great argument of her folly, for I will behorribly in love with her. I may chance have someodd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me,because I have railed so long against marriage: butdoth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meatin his youth that he cannot endure in his age.Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets ofthe brain awe a man from the career of his humour?No, the world must be peopled. When I said I woulddie a bachelor, I did not think I should live till Iwere married. Here comes Beatrice. By this day!she's a fair lady: I do spy some marks of love inher.

BEATRICE

Against my will I am sent to bid you come in to dinner.

BENEDICK

Fair Beatrice, I thank you for your pains.

BEATRICE

I took no more pains for those thanks than you takepains to thank me: if it had been painful, I wouldnot have come.

BENEDICK

You take pleasure then in the message?

BEATRICE

Yea, just so much as you may take upon a knife'spoint and choke a daw withal. You have no stomach,signior: fare you well.

BENEDICK

Ha! 'Against my will I am sent to bid you come into dinner;' there's a double meaning in that 'I tookno more pains for those thanks than you took painsto thank me.' that's as much as to say, Any painsthat I take for you is as easy as thanks. If I donot take pity of her, I am a villain; if I do notlove her, I am a Jew. I will go get her picture.