Troilus and Cressida — Act 1, Scene 2

CRESSIDA

Who were those went by?

ALEXANDER

Queen Hecuba and Helen.

CRESSIDA

And whither go they?

ALEXANDER

Up to the eastern tower,Whose height commands as subject all the vale,To see the battle. Hector, whose patienceIs, as a virtue, fix'd, to-day was moved:He chid Andromache and struck his armourer,And, like as there were husbandry in war,Before the sun rose he was harness'd light,And to the field goes he; where every flowerDid, as a prophet, weep what it foresawIn Hector's wrath.

CRESSIDA

What was his cause of anger?

ALEXANDER

The noise goes, this: there is among the GreeksA lord of Trojan blood, nephew to Hector;They call him Ajax.

CRESSIDA

Good; and what of him?

ALEXANDER

They say he is a very man per se,And stands alone.

CRESSIDA

So do all men, unless they are drunk, sick, or have no legs.

ALEXANDER

This man, lady, hath robbed many beasts of theirparticular additions; he is as valiant as the lion,churlish as the bear, slow as the elephant: a maninto whom nature hath so crowded humours that hisvalour is crushed into folly, his folly sauced withdiscretion: there is no man hath a virtue that hehath not a glimpse of, nor any man an attaint but hecarries some stain of it: he is melancholy withoutcause, and merry against the hair: he hath thejoints of every thing, but everything so out of jointthat he is a gouty Briareus, many hands and no use,or purblind Argus, all eyes and no sight.

CRESSIDA

But how should this man, that makesme smile, make Hector angry?

ALEXANDER

They say he yesterday coped Hector in the battle andstruck him down, the disdain and shame whereof hathever since kept Hector fasting and waking.

CRESSIDA

Who comes here?

ALEXANDER

Madam, your uncle Pandarus.

CRESSIDA

Hector's a gallant man.

ALEXANDER

As may be in the world, lady.

PANDARUS

What's that? what's that?

CRESSIDA

Good morrow, uncle Pandarus.

PANDARUS

Good morrow, cousin Cressid: what do you talk of?Good morrow, Alexander. How do you, cousin? Whenwere you at Ilium?

CRESSIDA

This morning, uncle.

PANDARUS

What were you talking of when I came? Was Hectorarmed and gone ere ye came to Ilium? Helen was notup, was she?

CRESSIDA

Hector was gone, but Helen was not up.

PANDARUS

Even so: Hector was stirring early.

CRESSIDA

That were we talking of, and of his anger.

PANDARUS

Was he angry?

CRESSIDA

So he says here.

PANDARUS

True, he was so: I know the cause too: he'll layabout him to-day, I can tell them that: and there'sTroilus will not come far behind him: let them takeheed of Troilus, I can tell them that too.

CRESSIDA

What, is he angry too?

PANDARUS

Who, Troilus? Troilus is the better man of the two.

CRESSIDA

O Jupiter! there's no comparison.

PANDARUS

What, not between Troilus and Hector? Do you know aman if you see him?

CRESSIDA

Ay, if I ever saw him before and knew him.

PANDARUS

Well, I say Troilus is Troilus.

CRESSIDA

Then you say as I say; for, I am sure, he is not Hector.

PANDARUS

No, nor Hector is not Troilus in some degrees.

CRESSIDA

'Tis just to each of them; he is himself.

PANDARUS

Himself! Alas, poor Troilus! I would he were.

CRESSIDA

So he is.

PANDARUS

Condition, I had gone barefoot to India.

CRESSIDA

He is not Hector.

PANDARUS

Himself! no, he's not himself: would a' werehimself! Well, the gods are above; time must friendor end: well, Troilus, well: I would my heart werein her body. No, Hector is not a better man than Troilus.

CRESSIDA

Excuse me.

PANDARUS

He is elder.

CRESSIDA

Pardon me, pardon me.

PANDARUS

Th' other's not come to't; you shall tell me anothertale, when th' other's come to't. Hector shall nothave his wit this year.

CRESSIDA

He shall not need it, if he have his own.

PANDARUS

Nor his qualities.

CRESSIDA

No matter.

PANDARUS

Nor his beauty.

CRESSIDA

'Twould not become him; his own's better.

PANDARUS

You have no judgment, niece: Helenherself swore th' other day, that Troilus, fora brown favour--for so 'tis, I must confess,--not brown neither,--

CRESSIDA

No, but brown.

PANDARUS

'Faith, to say truth, brown and not brown.

CRESSIDA

To say the truth, true and not true.

PANDARUS

She praised his complexion above Paris.

CRESSIDA

Why, Paris hath colour enough.

PANDARUS

So he has.

CRESSIDA

Then Troilus should have too much: if she praisedhim above, his complexion is higher than his; hehaving colour enough, and the other higher, is tooflaming a praise for a good complexion. I had aslief Helen's golden tongue had commended Troilus fora copper nose.

PANDARUS

I swear to you. I think Helen loves him better than Paris.

CRESSIDA

Then she's a merry Greek indeed.

PANDARUS

Nay, I am sure she does. She came to him th' otherday into the compassed window,--and, you know, hehas not past three or four hairs on his chin,--

CRESSIDA

Indeed, a tapster's arithmetic may soon bring hisparticulars therein to a total.

PANDARUS

Why, he is very young: and yet will he, withinthree pound, lift as much as his brother Hector.

CRESSIDA

Is he so young a man and so old a lifter?

PANDARUS

But to prove to you that Helen loves him: she cameand puts me her white hand to his cloven chin--

CRESSIDA

Juno have mercy! how came it cloven?

PANDARUS

Why, you know 'tis dimpled: I think his smilingbecomes him better than any man in all Phrygia.

CRESSIDA

O, he smiles valiantly.

PANDARUS

Does he not?

CRESSIDA

O yes, an 'twere a cloud in autumn.

PANDARUS

Why, go to, then: but to prove to you that Helenloves Troilus,--

CRESSIDA

Troilus will stand to the proof, if you'llprove it so.

PANDARUS

Troilus! why, he esteems her no more than I esteeman addle egg.

CRESSIDA

If you love an addle egg as well as you love an idlehead, you would eat chickens i' the shell.

PANDARUS

I cannot choose but laugh, to think how she tickledhis chin: indeed, she has a marvellous white hand, Imust needs confess,--

CRESSIDA

Without the rack.

PANDARUS

And she takes upon her to spy a white hair on his chin.

CRESSIDA

Alas, poor chin! many a wart is richer.

PANDARUS

But there was such laughing! Queen Hecuba laughedthat her eyes ran o'er.

CRESSIDA

With mill-stones.

PANDARUS

And Cassandra laughed.

CRESSIDA

But there was more temperate fire under the pot ofher eyes: did her eyes run o'er too?

PANDARUS

And Hector laughed.

CRESSIDA

At what was all this laughing?

PANDARUS

Marry, at the white hair that Helen spied on Troilus' chin.

CRESSIDA

An't had been a green hair, I should have laughedtoo.

PANDARUS

They laughed not so much at the hair as at his pretty answer.

CRESSIDA

What was his answer?

PANDARUS

Quoth she, 'Here's but two and fifty hairs on yourchin, and one of them is white.

CRESSIDA

This is her question.

PANDARUS

That's true; make no question of that. 'Two andfifty hairs' quoth he, 'and one white: that whitehair is my father, and all the rest are his sons.''Jupiter!' quoth she, 'which of these hairs is Paris,my husband? 'The forked one,' quoth he, 'pluck'tout, and give it him.' But there was such laughing!and Helen so blushed, an Paris so chafed, and all therest so laughed, that it passed.

CRESSIDA

So let it now; for it has been while going by.

PANDARUS

Well, cousin. I told you a thing yesterday; think on't.

CRESSIDA

So I do.

PANDARUS

I'll be sworn 'tis true; he will weep you, an 'twerea man born in April.

CRESSIDA

And I'll spring up in his tears, an 'twere a nettleagainst May.

PANDARUS

Hark! they are coming from the field: shall westand up here, and see them as they pass towardIlium? good niece, do, sweet niece Cressida.

CRESSIDA

At your pleasure.

PANDARUS

Here, here, here's an excellent place; here we maysee most bravely: I'll tell you them all by theirnames as they pass by; but mark Troilus above the rest.

CRESSIDA

Speak not so loud.

PANDARUS

That's AEneas: is not that a brave man? he's one ofthe flowers of Troy, I can tell you: but markTroilus; you shall see anon.

CRESSIDA

Who's that?

PANDARUS

That's Antenor: he has a shrewd wit, I can tell you;and he's a man good enough, he's one o' the soundestjudgments in whosoever, and a proper man of person.When comes Troilus? I'll show you Troilus anon: ifhe see me, you shall see him nod at me.

CRESSIDA

Will he give you the nod?

PANDARUS

You shall see.

CRESSIDA

If he do, the rich shall have more.

PANDARUS

That's Hector, that, that, look you, that; there's afellow! Go thy way, Hector! There's a brave man,niece. O brave Hector! Look how he looks! there'sa countenance! is't not a brave man?

CRESSIDA

O, a brave man!

PANDARUS

Is a' not? it does a man's heart good. Look youwhat hacks are on his helmet! look you yonder, doyou see? look you there: there's no jesting;there's laying on, take't off who will, as they say:there be hacks!

CRESSIDA

Be those with swords?

PANDARUS

Swords! any thing, he cares not; an the devil cometo him, it's all one: by God's lid, it does one'sheart good. Yonder comes Paris, yonder comes Paris.

PANDARUS

Look ye yonder, niece; is't not a gallant man too,is't not? Why, this is brave now. Who said he camehurt home to-day? he's not hurt: why, this will doHelen's heart good now, ha! Would I could seeTroilus now! You shall see Troilus anon.

CRESSIDA

Who's that?

PANDARUS

That's Helenus. I marvel where Troilus is. That'sHelenus. I think he went not forth to-day. That's Helenus.

CRESSIDA

Can Helenus fight, uncle?

PANDARUS

Helenus? no. Yes, he'll fight indifferent well. Imarvel where Troilus is. Hark! do you not hear thepeople cry 'Troilus'? Helenus is a priest.

CRESSIDA

What sneaking fellow comes yonder?

PANDARUS

Where? yonder? that's Deiphobus. 'Tis Troilus!there's a man, niece! Hem! Brave Troilus! theprince of chivalry!

CRESSIDA

Peace, for shame, peace!

PANDARUS

Mark him; note him. O brave Troilus! Look well uponhim, niece: look you how his sword is bloodied, andhis helm more hacked than Hector's, and how he looks,and how he goes! O admirable youth! he ne'er sawthree and twenty. Go thy way, Troilus, go thy way!Had I a sister were a grace, or a daughter a goddess,he should take his choice. O admirable man! Paris?Paris is dirt to him; and, I warrant, Helen, tochange, would give an eye to boot.

CRESSIDA

Here come more.

PANDARUS

Asses, fools, dolts! chaff and bran, chaff and bran!porridge after meat! I could live and die i' theeyes of Troilus. Ne'er look, ne'er look: the eaglesare gone: crows and daws, crows and daws! I hadrather be such a man as Troilus than Agamemnon andall Greece.

CRESSIDA

There is among the Greeks Achilles, a better man than Troilus.

PANDARUS

Achilles! a drayman, a porter, a very camel.

CRESSIDA

Well, well.

PANDARUS

'Well, well!' why, have you any discretion? haveyou any eyes? Do you know what a man is? Is notbirth, beauty, good shape, discourse, manhood,learning, gentleness, virtue, youth, liberality,and such like, the spice and salt that season a man?

CRESSIDA

Ay, a minced man: and then to be baked with no datein the pie, for then the man's date's out.

PANDARUS

You are such a woman! one knows not at what ward youlie.

CRESSIDA

Upon my back, to defend my belly; upon my wit, todefend my wiles; upon my secrecy, to defend minehonesty; my mask, to defend my beauty; and you, todefend all these: and at all these wards I lie, at athousand watches.

PANDARUS

Say one of your watches.

CRESSIDA

Nay, I'll watch you for that; and that's one of thechiefest of them too: if I cannot ward what I wouldnot have hit, I can watch you for telling how I tookthe blow; unless it swell past hiding, and then it'spast watching.

PANDARUS

You are such another!

Boy

Sir, my lord would instantly speak with you.

PANDARUS

Where?

Boy

At your own house; there he unarms him.

PANDARUS

Good boy, tell him I come.

PANDARUS

I doubt he be hurt. Fare ye well, good niece.

CRESSIDA

Adieu, uncle.

PANDARUS

I'll be with you, niece, by and by.

CRESSIDA

To bring, uncle?

PANDARUS

Ay, a token from Troilus.

CRESSIDA

By the same token, you are a bawd.

CRESSIDA

Words, vows, gifts, tears, and love's full sacrifice,He offers in another's enterprise;But more in Troilus thousand fold I seeThan in the glass of Pandar's praise may be;Yet hold I off. Women are angels, wooing:Things won are done; joy's soul lies in the doing.That she beloved knows nought that knows not this:Men prize the thing ungain'd more than it is:That she was never yet that ever knewLove got so sweet as when desire did sue.Therefore this maxim out of love I teach:Achievement is command; ungain'd, beseech:Then though my heart's content firm love doth bear,Nothing of that shall from mine eyes appear.