Act II · Scene I
A part of the Grecian camp.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter AJAX and THERSITES
AJAX
Thersites!
THERSITES
Agamemnon, how if he had boils? full, all over,generally?
AJAX
Thersites!
THERSITES
And those boils did run? say so: did not thegeneral run then? were not that a botchy core?
AJAX
Dog!
THERSITES
Then would come some matter from him; I see none now.
AJAX
Thou bitch-wolf's son, canst thou not hear?
Beating him
AJAX
Feel, then.
THERSITES
The plague of Greece upon thee, thou mongrelbeef-witted lord!
AJAX
Speak then, thou vinewedst leaven, speak: I willbeat thee into handsomeness.
THERSITES
I shall sooner rail thee into wit and holiness: but,I think, thy horse will sooner con an oration thanthou learn a prayer without book. Thou canst strike,canst thou? a red murrain o' thy jade's tricks!
AJAX
Toadstool, learn me the proclamation.
THERSITES
Dost thou think I have no sense, thou strikest me thus?
AJAX
The proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou art proclaimed a fool, I think.
AJAX
Do not, porpentine, do not: my fingers itch.
THERSITES
I would thou didst itch from head to foot and I hadthe scratching of thee; I would make thee theloathsomest scab in Greece. When thou art forth inthe incursions, thou strikest as slow as another.
AJAX
I say, the proclamation!
THERSITES
Thou grumblest and railest every hour on Achilles,and thou art as full of envy at his greatness asCerberus is at Proserpine's beauty, ay, that thoubarkest at him.
AJAX
Mistress Thersites!
THERSITES
Thou shouldest strike him.
AJAX
Cobloaf!
THERSITES
He would pun thee into shivers with his fist, as asailor breaks a biscuit.
AJAX
[Beating him] You whoreson cur!
THERSITES
Do, do.
AJAX
Thou stool for a witch!
THERSITES
Ay, do, do; thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast nomore brain than I have in mine elbows; an assinegomay tutor thee: thou scurvy-valiant ass! thou arthere but to thrash Trojans; and thou art bought andsold among those of any wit, like a barbarian slave.If thou use to beat me, I will begin at thy heel, andtell what thou art by inches, thou thing of nobowels, thou!
AJAX
You dog!
THERSITES
You scurvy lord!
AJAX
[Beating him] You cur!
THERSITES
Mars his idiot! do, rudeness; do, camel; do, do.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES
Why, how now, Ajax! wherefore do you thus? How now,Thersites! what's the matter, man?
THERSITES
You see him there, do you?
ACHILLES
Ay; what's the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, look upon him.
ACHILLES
So I do: what's the matter?
THERSITES
Nay, but regard him well.
ACHILLES
'Well!' why, I do so.
THERSITES
But yet you look not well upon him; for whosoever youtake him to be, he is Ajax.
ACHILLES
I know that, fool.
THERSITES
Ay, but that fool knows not himself.
AJAX
Therefore I beat thee.
THERSITES
Lo, lo, lo, lo, what modicums of wit he utters! hisevasions have ears thus long. I have bobbed hisbrain more than he has beat my bones: I will buynine sparrows for a penny, and his pia mater is notworth the nineth part of a sparrow. This lord,Achilles, Ajax, who wears his wit in his belly andhis guts in his head, I'll tell you what I say ofhim.
ACHILLES
What?
THERSITES
I say, this Ajax--
Ajax offers to beat him
ACHILLES
Nay, good Ajax.
THERSITES
Has not so much wit--
ACHILLES
Nay, I must hold you.
THERSITES
As will stop the eye of Helen's needle, for whom hecomes to fight.
ACHILLES
Peace, fool!
THERSITES
I would have peace and quietness, but the fool willnot: he there: that he: look you there.
AJAX
O thou damned cur! I shall--
ACHILLES
Will you set your wit to a fool's?
THERSITES
No, I warrant you; for a fools will shame it.
PATROCLUS
Good words, Thersites.
ACHILLES
What's the quarrel?
AJAX
I bade the vile owl go learn me the tenor of theproclamation, and he rails upon me.
THERSITES
I serve thee not.
AJAX
Well, go to, go to.
THERSITES
I serve here voluntarily.
ACHILLES
Your last service was sufferance, 'twas notvoluntary: no man is beaten voluntary: Ajax washere the voluntary, and you as under an impress.
THERSITES
E'en so; a great deal of your wit, too, lies in yoursinews, or else there be liars. Hector have a greatcatch, if he knock out either of your brains: a'were as good crack a fusty nut with no kernel.
ACHILLES
What, with me too, Thersites?
THERSITES
There's Ulysses and old Nestor, whose wit was mouldyere your grandsires had nails on their toes, yoke youlike draught-oxen and make you plough up the wars.
ACHILLES
What, what?
THERSITES
Yes, good sooth: to, Achilles! to, Ajax! to!
AJAX
I shall cut out your tongue.
THERSITES
'Tis no matter! I shall speak as much as thouafterwards.
PATROCLUS
No more words, Thersites; peace!
THERSITES
I will hold my peace when Achilles' brach bids me, shall I?
ACHILLES
There's for you, Patroclus.
THERSITES
I will see you hanged, like clotpoles, ere I comeany more to your tents: I will keep where there iswit stirring and leave the faction of fools.
Exit
PATROCLUS
A good riddance.
ACHILLES
Marry, this, sir, is proclaim'd through all our host:That Hector, by the fifth hour of the sun,Will with a trumpet 'twixt our tents and TroyTo-morrow morning call some knight to armsThat hath a stomach; and such a one that dareMaintain--I know not what: 'tis trash. Farewell.
AJAX
Farewell. Who shall answer him?
ACHILLES
I know not: 'tis put to lottery; otherwiseHe knew his man.
AJAX
O, meaning you. I will go learn more of it.
Exeunt