Act V · Scene I
The Grecian camp. Before Achilles' tent.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
ACHILLES
I'll heat his blood with Greekish wine to-night,Which with my scimitar I'll cool to-morrow.Patroclus, let us feast him to the height.
PATROCLUS
Here comes Thersites.
Enter THERSITES
ACHILLES
How now, thou core of envy!Thou crusty batch of nature, what's the news?
THERSITES
Why, thou picture of what thou seemest, and idolof idiot worshippers, here's a letter for thee.
ACHILLES
From whence, fragment?
THERSITES
Why, thou full dish of fool, from Troy.
PATROCLUS
Who keeps the tent now?
THERSITES
The surgeon's box, or the patient's wound.
PATROCLUS
Well said, adversity! and what need these tricks?
THERSITES
Prithee, be silent, boy; I profit not by thy talk:thou art thought to be Achilles' male varlet.
PATROCLUS
Male varlet, you rogue! what's that?
THERSITES
Why, his masculine whore. Now, the rotten diseasesof the south, the guts-griping, ruptures, catarrhs,loads o' gravel i' the back, lethargies, coldpalsies, raw eyes, dirt-rotten livers, wheezinglungs, bladders full of imposthume, sciaticas,limekilns i' the palm, incurable bone-ache, and therivelled fee-simple of the tetter, take and takeagain such preposterous discoveries!
PATROCLUS
Why thou damnable box of envy, thou, what meanestthou to curse thus?
THERSITES
Do I curse thee?
PATROCLUS
Why no, you ruinous butt, you whoresonindistinguishable cur, no.
THERSITES
No! why art thou then exasperate, thou idleimmaterial skein of sleave-silk, thou green sarcenetflap for a sore eye, thou tassel of a prodigal'spurse, thou? Ah, how the poor world is pesteredwith such waterflies, diminutives of nature!
PATROCLUS
Out, gall!
THERSITES
Finch-egg!
ACHILLES
My sweet Patroclus, I am thwarted quiteFrom my great purpose in to-morrow's battle.Here is a letter from Queen Hecuba,A token from her daughter, my fair love,Both taxing me and gaging me to keepAn oath that I have sworn. I will not break it:Fall Greeks; fail fame; honour or go or stay;My major vow lies here, this I'll obey.Come, come, Thersites, help to trim my tent:This night in banqueting must all be spent.Away, Patroclus!
Exeunt ACHILLES and PATROCLUS
THERSITES
With too much blood and too little brain, these twomay run mad; but, if with too much brain and toolittle blood they do, I'll be a curer of madmen.Here's Agamemnon, an honest fellow enough and onethat loves quails; but he has not so much brain asearwax: and the goodly transformation of Jupiterthere, his brother, the bull,--the primitive statue,and oblique memorial of cuckolds; a thriftyshoeing-horn in a chain, hanging at his brother'sleg,--to what form but that he is, should wit lardedwith malice and malice forced with wit turn him to?To an ass, were nothing; he is both ass and ox: toan ox, were nothing; he is both ox and ass. To be adog, a mule, a cat, a fitchew, a toad, a lizard, anowl, a puttock, or a herring without a roe, I wouldnot care; but to be Menelaus, I would conspireagainst destiny. Ask me not, what I would be, if Iwere not Thersites; for I care not to be the louseof a lazar, so I were not Menelaus! Hey-day!spirits and fires!
Enter HECTOR, TROILUS, AJAX, AGAMEMNON, ULYSSES, NESTOR, MENELAUS, and DIOMEDES, with lights
AGAMEMNON
We go wrong, we go wrong.
AJAX
No, yonder 'tis;There, where we see the lights.
HECTOR
I trouble you.
AJAX
No, not a whit.
ULYSSES
Here comes himself to guide you.
Re-enter ACHILLES
ACHILLES
Welcome, brave Hector; welcome, princes all.
AGAMEMNON
So now, fair prince of Troy, I bid good night.Ajax commands the guard to tend on you.
HECTOR
Thanks and good night to the Greeks' general.
MENELAUS
Good night, my lord.
HECTOR
Good night, sweet lord Menelaus.
THERSITES
Sweet draught: 'sweet' quoth 'a! sweet sink,sweet sewer.
ACHILLES
Good night and welcome, both at once, to thoseThat go or tarry.
AGAMEMNON
Good night.
Exeunt AGAMEMNON and MENELAUS
ACHILLES
Old Nestor tarries; and you too, Diomed,Keep Hector company an hour or two.
DIOMEDES
I cannot, lord; I have important business,The tide whereof is now. Good night, great Hector.
HECTOR
Give me your hand.
ULYSSES
[Aside to TROILUS] Follow his torch; he goes toCalchas' tent:I'll keep you company.
TROILUS
Sweet sir, you honour me.
HECTOR
And so, good night.
Exit DIOMEDES; ULYSSES and TROILUS following
ACHILLES
Come, come, enter my tent.
Exeunt ACHILLES, HECTOR, AJAX, and NESTOR
THERSITES
That same Diomed's a false-hearted rogue, a mostunjust knave; I will no more trust him when he leersthan I will a serpent when he hisses: he will spendhis mouth, and promise, like Brabbler the hound:but when he performs, astronomers foretell it; itis prodigious, there will come some change; the sunborrows of the moon, when Diomed keeps hisword. I will rather leave to see Hector, thannot to dog him: they say he keeps a Trojandrab, and uses the traitor Calchas' tent: I'llafter. Nothing but lechery! all incontinent varlets!
Exit