Act II · Scene V
OLIVIA's garden.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH, SIR ANDREW, and FABIAN
SIR TOBY BELCH
Come thy ways, Signior Fabian.
FABIAN
Nay, I'll come: if I lose a scruple of this sport,let me be boiled to death with melancholy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wouldst thou not be glad to have the niggardlyrascally sheep-biter come by some notable shame?
FABIAN
I would exult, man: you know, he brought me out o'favour with my lady about a bear-baiting here.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To anger him we'll have the bear again; and we willfool him black and blue: shall we not, Sir Andrew?
SIR ANDREW
An we do not, it is pity of our lives.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here comes the little villain.
Enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
How now, my metal of India!
MARIA
Get ye all three into the box-tree: Malvolio'scoming down this walk: he has been yonder i' thesun practising behavior to his own shadow this halfhour: observe him, for the love of mockery; for Iknow this letter will make a contemplative idiot ofhim. Close, in the name of jesting! Lie thou there,
Throws down a letter
MARIA
for here comes the trout that must be caught with tickling.
Exit
Enter MALVOLIO
MALVOLIO
'Tis but fortune; all is fortune. Maria once toldme she did affect me: and I have heard herself comethus near, that, should she fancy, it should be oneof my complexion. Besides, she uses me with a moreexalted respect than any one else that follows her.What should I think on't?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Here's an overweening rogue!
FABIAN
O, peace! Contemplation makes a rare turkey-cockof him: how he jets under his advanced plumes!
SIR ANDREW
'Slight, I could so beat the rogue!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, I say.
MALVOLIO
To be Count Malvolio!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ah, rogue!
SIR ANDREW
Pistol him, pistol him.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
There is example for't; the lady of the Strachymarried the yeoman of the wardrobe.
SIR ANDREW
Fie on him, Jezebel!
FABIAN
O, peace! now he's deeply in: look howimagination blows him.
MALVOLIO
Having been three months married to her, sitting inmy state,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, for a stone-bow, to hit him in the eye!
MALVOLIO
Calling my officers about me, in my branched velvetgown; having come from a day-bed, where I have leftOlivia sleeping,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Fire and brimstone!
FABIAN
O, peace, peace!
MALVOLIO
And then to have the humour of state; and after ademure travel of regard, telling them I know myplace as I would they should do theirs, to for mykinsman Toby,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Bolts and shackles!
FABIAN
O peace, peace, peace! now, now.
MALVOLIO
Seven of my people, with an obedient start, makeout for him: I frown the while; and perchance windup watch, or play with my--some rich jewel. Tobyapproaches; courtesies there to me,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall this fellow live?
FABIAN
Though our silence be drawn from us with cars, yet peace.
MALVOLIO
I extend my hand to him thus, quenching my familiarsmile with an austere regard of control,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
And does not Toby take you a blow o' the lips then?
MALVOLIO
Saying, 'Cousin Toby, my fortunes having cast me onyour niece give me this prerogative of speech,'--
SIR TOBY BELCH
What, what?
MALVOLIO
'You must amend your drunkenness.'
SIR TOBY BELCH
Out, scab!
FABIAN
Nay, patience, or we break the sinews of our plot.
MALVOLIO
'Besides, you waste the treasure of your time witha foolish knight,'--
SIR ANDREW
That's me, I warrant you.
MALVOLIO
'One Sir Andrew,'--
SIR ANDREW
I knew 'twas I; for many do call me fool.
MALVOLIO
What employment have we here?
Taking up the letter
FABIAN
Now is the woodcock near the gin.
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, peace! and the spirit of humour intimate readingaloud to him!
MALVOLIO
By my life, this is my lady's hand these be hervery C's, her U's and her T's and thus makes she hergreat P's. It is, in contempt of question, her hand.
SIR ANDREW
Her C's, her U's and her T's: why that?
MALVOLIO
[Reads] 'To the unknown beloved, this, and my goodwishes:'--her very phrases! By your leave, wax.Soft! and the impressure her Lucrece, with which sheuses to seal: 'tis my lady. To whom should this be?
FABIAN
This wins him, liver and all.
MALVOLIO
[Reads]Jove knows I love: But who?Lips, do not move;No man must know.'No man must know.' What follows? the numbersaltered! 'No man must know:' if this should bethee, Malvolio?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Marry, hang thee, brock!
MALVOLIO
[Reads]I may command where I adore;But silence, like a Lucrece knife,With bloodless stroke my heart doth gore:M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.
FABIAN
A fustian riddle!
SIR TOBY BELCH
Excellent wench, say I.
MALVOLIO
'M, O, A, I, doth sway my life.' Nay, but first, letme see, let me see, let me see.
FABIAN
What dish o' poison has she dressed him!
SIR TOBY BELCH
And with what wing the staniel cheques at it!
MALVOLIO
'I may command where I adore.' Why, she may commandme: I serve her; she is my lady. Why, this isevident to any formal capacity; there is noobstruction in this: and the end,--what shouldthat alphabetical position portend? If I could makethat resemble something in me,--Softly! M, O, A,I,--
SIR TOBY BELCH
O, ay, make up that: he is now at a cold scent.
FABIAN
Sowter will cry upon't for all this, though it be asrank as a fox.
MALVOLIO
M,--Malvolio; M,--why, that begins my name.
FABIAN
Did not I say he would work it out? the cur isexcellent at faults.
MALVOLIO
M,--but then there is no consonancy in the sequel;that suffers under probation A should follow but O does.
FABIAN
And O shall end, I hope.
SIR TOBY BELCH
Ay, or I'll cudgel him, and make him cry O!
MALVOLIO
And then I comes behind.
FABIAN
Ay, an you had any eye behind you, you might seemore detraction at your heels than fortunes beforeyou.
MALVOLIO
M, O, A, I; this simulation is not as the former: andyet, to crush this a little, it would bow to me, forevery one of these letters are in my name. Soft!here follows prose.
Reads
MALVOLIO
'If this fall into thy hand, revolve. In my stars Iam above thee; but be not afraid of greatness: someare born great, some achieve greatness, and somehave greatness thrust upon 'em. Thy Fates opentheir hands; let thy blood and spirit embrace them;and, to inure thyself to what thou art like to be,cast thy humble slough and appear fresh. Beopposite with a kinsman, surly with servants; letthy tongue tang arguments of state; put thyself intothe trick of singularity: she thus advises theethat sighs for thee. Remember who commended thyyellow stockings, and wished to see thee evercross-gartered: I say, remember. Go to, thou artmade, if thou desirest to be so; if not, let me seethee a steward still, the fellow of servants, andnot worthy to touch Fortune's fingers. Farewell.She that would alter services with thee,THE FORTUNATE-UNHAPPY.'Daylight and champaign discovers not more: this isopen. I will be proud, I will read politic authors,I will baffle Sir Toby, I will wash off grossacquaintance, I will be point-devise the very man.I do not now fool myself, to let imagination jademe; for every reason excites to this, that my ladyloves me. She did commend my yellow stockings oflate, she did praise my leg being cross-gartered;and in this she manifests herself to my love, andwith a kind of injunction drives me to these habitsof her liking. I thank my stars I am happy. I willbe strange, stout, in yellow stockings, andcross-gartered, even with the swiftness of puttingon. Jove and my stars be praised! Here is yet apostscript.
Reads
MALVOLIO
'Thou canst not choose but know who I am. If thouentertainest my love, let it appear in thy smiling;thy smiles become thee well; therefore in mypresence still smile, dear my sweet, I prithee.'Jove, I thank thee: I will smile; I will doeverything that thou wilt have me.
Exit
FABIAN
I will not give my part of this sport for a pensionof thousands to be paid from the Sophy.
SIR TOBY BELCH
I could marry this wench for this device.
SIR ANDREW
So could I too.
SIR TOBY BELCH
And ask no other dowry with her but such another jest.
SIR ANDREW
Nor I neither.
FABIAN
Here comes my noble gull-catcher.
Re-enter MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Wilt thou set thy foot o' my neck?
SIR ANDREW
Or o' mine either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Shall I play my freedom at traytrip, and become thybond-slave?
SIR ANDREW
I' faith, or I either?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Why, thou hast put him in such a dream, that whenthe image of it leaves him he must run mad.
MARIA
Nay, but say true; does it work upon him?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Like aqua-vitae with a midwife.
MARIA
If you will then see the fruits of the sport, markhis first approach before my lady: he will come toher in yellow stockings, and 'tis a colour sheabhors, and cross-gartered, a fashion she detests;and he will smile upon her, which will now be sounsuitable to her disposition, being addicted to amelancholy as she is, that it cannot but turn himinto a notable contempt. If you will see it, followme.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To the gates of Tartar, thou most excellent devil of wit!
SIR ANDREW
I'll make one too.
Exeunt