Twelfth Night — Act 3, Scene 2 · Shakespeare for Bharat

SIR ANDREW

No, faith, I'll not stay a jot longer.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Thy reason, dear venom, give thy reason.

FABIAN

You must needs yield your reason, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Marry, I saw your niece do more favours to thecount's serving-man than ever she bestowed upon me;I saw't i' the orchard.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Did she see thee the while, old boy? tell me that.

SIR ANDREW

As plain as I see you now.

FABIAN

This was a great argument of love in her toward you.

SIR ANDREW

'Slight, will you make an ass o' me?

FABIAN

I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths ofjudgment and reason.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noahwas a sailor.

FABIAN

She did show favour to the youth in your sight onlyto exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, toput fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.You should then have accosted her; and with someexcellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you shouldhave banged the youth into dumbness. This waslooked for at your hand, and this was balked: thedouble gilt of this opportunity you let time washoff, and you are now sailed into the north of mylady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicleon a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it bysome laudable attempt either of valour or policy.

SIR ANDREW

An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policyI hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as apolitician.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis ofvalour. Challenge me the count's youth to fightwith him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shalltake note of it; and assure thyself, there is nolove-broker in the world can more prevail in man'scommendation with woman than report of valour.

FABIAN

There is no way but this, Sir Andrew.

SIR ANDREW

Will either of you bear me a challenge to him?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and funof invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not beamiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet ofpaper, although the sheet were big enough for thebed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thouwrite with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.

SIR ANDREW

Where shall I find you?

SIR TOBY BELCH

We'll call thee at the cubiculo: go.

FABIAN

This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.

SIR TOBY BELCH

I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousandstrong, or so.

FABIAN

We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'llnot deliver't?

SIR TOBY BELCH

Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on theyouth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropescannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he wereopened, and you find so much blood in his liver aswill clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest ofthe anatomy.

FABIAN

And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage nogreat presage of cruelty.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Look, where the youngest wren of nine comes.

MARIA

If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourselfinto stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio isturned heathen, a very renegado; for there is noChristian, that means to be saved by believingrightly, can ever believe such impossible passagesof grossness. He's in yellow stockings.

SIR TOBY BELCH

And cross-gartered?

MARIA

Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a schooli' the church. I have dogged him, like hismurderer. He does obey every point of the letterthat I dropped to betray him: he does smile hisface into more lines than is in the new map with theaugmentation of the Indies: you have not seen sucha thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling thingsat him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,he'll smile and take't for a great favour.

SIR TOBY BELCH

Come, bring us, bring us where he is.