Act IV · Scene II
OLIVIA's house.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter MARIA and Clown
MARIA
Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: doit quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
Exit
Clown
Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myselfin't; and I would I were the first that everdissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough tobecome the function well, nor lean enough to bethought a good student; but to be said an honest manand a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say acareful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
SIR TOBY BELCH
Jove bless thee, master Parson.
Clown
Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit ofPrague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittilysaid to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him, Sir Topas.
Clown
What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
SIR TOBY BELCH
The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
MALVOLIO
[Within] Who calls there?
Clown
Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvoliothe lunatic.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
Clown
Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
SIR TOBY BELCH
Well said, Master Parson.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good SirTopas, do not think I am mad: they have laid mehere in hideous darkness.
Clown
Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the mostmodest terms; for I am one of those gentle onesthat will use the devil himself with courtesy:sayest thou that house is dark?
MALVOLIO
As hell, Sir Topas.
Clown
Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,and the clearstores toward the south north are aslustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou ofobstruction?
MALVOLIO
I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
Clown
Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darknessbut ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled thanthe Egyptians in their fog.
MALVOLIO
I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, thoughignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, therewas never man thus abused. I am no more mad than youare: make the trial of it in any constant question.
Clown
What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
MALVOLIO
That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
Clown
What thinkest thou of his opinion?
MALVOLIO
I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
Clown
Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I willallow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lestthou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
SIR TOBY BELCH
My most exquisite Sir Topas!
Clown
Nay, I am for all waters.
MARIA
Thou mightst have done this without thy beard andgown: he sees thee not.
SIR TOBY BELCH
To him in thine own voice, and bring me word howthou findest him: I would we were well rid of thisknavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, Iwould he were, for I am now so far in offence withmy niece that I cannot pursue with any safety thissport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA
Clown
[Singing]'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,Tell me how thy lady does.'
MALVOLIO
Fool!
Clown
'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
MALVOLIO
Fool!
Clown
'Alas, why is she so?'
MALVOLIO
Fool, I say!
Clown
'She loves another'--Who calls, ha?
MALVOLIO
Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at myhand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful tothee for't.
Clown
Master Malvolio?
MALVOLIO
Ay, good fool.
Clown
Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
MALVOLIO
Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: Iam as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
Clown
But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be nobetter in your wits than a fool.
MALVOLIO
They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can toface me out of my wits.
Clown
Advise you what you say; the minister is here.Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vainbibble babble.
MALVOLIO
Sir Topas!
Clown
Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.
MALVOLIO
Fool, fool, fool, I say!
Clown
Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I amshent for speaking to you.
MALVOLIO
Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: Itell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
Clown
Well-a-day that you were, sir
MALVOLIO
By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper andlight; and convey what I will set down to my lady:it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearingof letter did.
Clown
I will help you to't. But tell me true, are younot mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
MALVOLIO
Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
Clown
Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see hisbrains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
MALVOLIO
Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: Iprithee, be gone.
Clown
[Singing]I am gone, sir,And anon, sir,I'll be with you again,In a trice,Like to the old Vice,Your need to sustain;Who, with dagger of lath,In his rage and his wrath,Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:Like a mad lad,Pare thy nails, dad;Adieu, good man devil.
Exit