The Merry Wives of Windsor — Act 2, Scene 1

MISTRESS PAGE

What, have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them?Let me see.

MISTRESS PAGE

'Ask me no reason why I love you; for thoughLove use Reason for his physician, he admits himnot for his counsellor. You are not young, no moream I; go to then, there's sympathy: you are merry,so am I; ha, ha! then there's more sympathy: youlove sack, and so do I; would you desire bettersympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page,--atthe least, if the love of soldier can suffice,--that I love thee. I will not say, pity me; 'tisnot a soldier-like phrase: but I say, love me. By me,Thine own true knight,By day or night,Or any kind of light,With all his mightFor thee to fight, JOHN FALSTAFF'What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wickedworld! One that is well-nigh worn to pieces withage to show himself a young gallant! What anunweighed behavior hath this Flemish drunkardpicked--with the devil's name!--out of myconversation, that he dares in this manner assay me?Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! Whatshould I say to him? I was then frugal of mymirth: Heaven forgive me! Why, I'll exhibit a billin the parliament for the putting down of men. Howshall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be,as sure as his guts are made of puddings.

MISTRESS FORD

Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.

MISTRESS PAGE

And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look veryill.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I'll ne'er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.

MISTRESS PAGE

Faith, but you do, in my mind.

MISTRESS FORD

Well, I do then; yet I say I could show you to thecontrary. O Mistress Page, give me some counsel!

MISTRESS PAGE

What's the matter, woman?

MISTRESS FORD

O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, Icould come to such honour!

MISTRESS PAGE

Hang the trifle, woman! take the honour. What isit? dispense with trifles; what is it?

MISTRESS FORD

If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so,I could be knighted.

MISTRESS PAGE

What? thou liest! Sir Alice Ford! These knightswill hack; and so thou shouldst not alter thearticle of thy gentry.

MISTRESS FORD

We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how Imight be knighted. I shall think the worse of fatmen, as long as I have an eye to make difference ofmen's liking: and yet he would not swear; praisedwomen's modesty; and gave such orderly andwell-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness, that Iwould have sworn his disposition would have gone tothe truth of his words; but they do no more adhereand keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm tothe tune of 'Green Sleeves.' What tempest, I trow,threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in hisbelly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revengedon him? I think the best way were to entertain himwith hope, till the wicked fire of lust have meltedhim in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?

MISTRESS PAGE

Letter for letter, but that the name of Page andFord differs! To thy great comfort in this mysteryof ill opinions, here's the twin-brother of thyletter: but let thine inherit first; for, Iprotest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath athousand of these letters, writ with blank space fordifferent names--sure, more,--and these are of thesecond edition: he will print them, out of doubt;for he cares not what he puts into the press, whenhe would put us two. I had rather be a giantess,and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find youtwenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.

MISTRESS FORD

Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the verywords. What doth he think of us?

MISTRESS PAGE

Nay, I know not: it makes me almost ready towrangle with mine own honesty. I'll entertainmyself like one that I am not acquainted withal;for, sure, unless he know some strain in me, that Iknow not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.

MISTRESS FORD

'Boarding,' call you it? I'll be sure to keep himabove deck.

MISTRESS PAGE

So will I if he come under my hatches, I'll neverto sea again. Let's be revenged on him: let'sappoint him a meeting; give him a show of comfort inhis suit and lead him on with a fine-baited delay,till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.

MISTRESS FORD

Nay, I will consent to act any villany against him,that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O,that my husband saw this letter! it would giveeternal food to his jealousy.

MISTRESS PAGE

Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he'sas far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause;and that I hope is an unmeasurable distance.

MISTRESS FORD

You are the happier woman.

MISTRESS PAGE

Let's consult together against this greasy knight.Come hither.

FORD

Well, I hope it be not so.

PISTOL

Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:Sir John affects thy wife.

FORD

Why, sir, my wife is not young.

PISTOL

He wooes both high and low, both rich and poor,Both young and old, one with another, Ford;He loves the gallimaufry: Ford, perpend.

FORD

Love my wife!

PISTOL

With liver burning hot. Prevent, or go thou,Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels:O, odious is the name!

FORD

What name, sir?

PISTOL

The horn, I say. Farewell.Take heed, have open eye, for thieves do foot by night:Take heed, ere summer comes or cuckoo-birds do sing.Away, Sir Corporal Nym!Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.

FORD

[Aside] I will be patient; I will find out this.

NYM

[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humourof lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: Ishould have borne the humoured letter to her; but Ihave a sword and it shall bite upon my necessity.He loves your wife; there's the short and the long.My name is Corporal Nym; I speak and I avouch; 'tistrue: my name is Nym and Falstaff loves your wife.Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese,and there's the humour of it. Adieu.

PAGE

'The humour of it,' quoth a'! here's a fellowfrights English out of his wits.

FORD

I will seek out Falstaff.

PAGE

I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.

FORD

If I do find it: well.

PAGE

I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priesto' the town commended him for a true man.

FORD

'Twas a good sensible fellow: well.

PAGE

How now, Meg!

MISTRESS PAGE

Whither go you, George? Hark you.

MISTRESS FORD

How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?

FORD

I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.

MISTRESS FORD

Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head. Now,will you go, Mistress Page?

MISTRESS PAGE

Have with you. You'll come to dinner, George.

MISTRESS PAGE

Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messengerto this paltry knight.

MISTRESS FORD

[Aside to MISTRESS PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her:she'll fit it.

MISTRESS PAGE

You are come to see my daughter Anne?

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?

MISTRESS PAGE

Go in with us and see: we have an hour's talk withyou.

PAGE

How now, Master Ford!

FORD

You heard what this knave told me, did you not?

PAGE

Yes: and you heard what the other told me?

FORD

Do you think there is truth in them?

PAGE

Hang 'em, slaves! I do not think the knight wouldoffer it: but these that accuse him in his intenttowards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men;very rogues, now they be out of service.

FORD

Were they his men?

PAGE

Marry, were they.

FORD

I like it never the better for that. Does he lie atthe Garter?

PAGE

Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyagetowards my wife, I would turn her loose to him; andwhat he gets more of her than sharp words, let itlie on my head.

FORD

I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath toturn them together. A man may be too confident: Iwould have nothing lie on my head: I cannot be thus satisfied.

PAGE

Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes:there is either liquor in his pate or money in hispurse when he looks so merrily.

PAGE

How now, mine host!

Host

How now, bully-rook! thou'rt a gentleman.Cavaleiro-justice, I say!

SHALLOW

I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even andtwenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you gowith us? we have sport in hand.

Host

Tell him, cavaleiro-justice; tell him, bully-rook.

SHALLOW

Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hughthe Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.

FORD

Good mine host o' the Garter, a word with you.

Host

What sayest thou, my bully-rook?

SHALLOW

[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? Mymerry host hath had the measuring of their weapons;and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places;for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester.Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.

Host

Hast thou no suit against my knight, myguest-cavaleire?

FORD

None, I protest: but I'll give you a pottle ofburnt sack to give me recourse to him and tell himmy name is Brook; only for a jest.

Host

My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress;--said I well?--and thy name shall be Brook. It isa merry knight. Will you go, An-heires?

SHALLOW

Have with you, mine host.

PAGE

I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill inhis rapier.

SHALLOW

Tut, sir, I could have told you more. In these timesyou stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, andI know not what: 'tis the heart, Master Page; 'tishere, 'tis here. I have seen the time, with my longsword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.

Host

Here, boys, here, here! shall we wag?

PAGE

Have with you. I would rather hear them scold than fight.

FORD

Though Page be a secure fool, an stands so firmlyon his wife's frailty, yet I cannot put off myopinion so easily: she was in his company at Page'shouse; and what they made there, I know not. Well,I will look further into't: and I have a disguiseto sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose notmy labour; if she be otherwise, 'tis labour well bestowed.