Act II · Scene I
A hall in LEONATO'S house.
Hover a speech to translate it — or press play to hear it performed.
Enter LEONATO, ANTONIO, HERO, BEATRICE, and others
LEONATO
Was not Count John here at supper?
ANTONIO
I saw him not.
BEATRICE
How tartly that gentleman looks! I never can seehim but I am heart-burned an hour after.
HERO
He is of a very melancholy disposition.
BEATRICE
He were an excellent man that were made just in themidway between him and Benedick: the one is toolike an image and says nothing, and the other toolike my lady's eldest son, evermore tattling.
LEONATO
Then half Signior Benedick's tongue in Count John'smouth, and half Count John's melancholy in SigniorBenedick's face,--
BEATRICE
With a good leg and a good foot, uncle, and moneyenough in his purse, such a man would win any womanin the world, if a' could get her good-will.
LEONATO
By my troth, niece, thou wilt never get thee ahusband, if thou be so shrewd of thy tongue.
ANTONIO
In faith, she's too curst.
BEATRICE
Too curst is more than curst: I shall lessen God'ssending that way; for it is said, 'God sends a curstcow short horns;' but to a cow too curst he sends none.
LEONATO
So, by being too curst, God will send you no horns.
BEATRICE
Just, if he send me no husband; for the whichblessing I am at him upon my knees every morning andevening. Lord, I could not endure a husband with abeard on his face: I had rather lie in the woollen.
LEONATO
You may light on a husband that hath no beard.
BEATRICE
What should I do with him? dress him in my appareland make him my waiting-gentlewoman? He that hath abeard is more than a youth, and he that hath nobeard is less than a man: and he that is more thana youth is not for me, and he that is less than aman, I am not for him: therefore, I will even takesixpence in earnest of the bear-ward, and lead hisapes into hell.
LEONATO
Well, then, go you into hell?
BEATRICE
No, but to the gate; and there will the devil meetme, like an old cuckold, with horns on his head, andsay 'Get you to heaven, Beatrice, get you toheaven; here's no place for you maids:' so deliverI up my apes, and away to Saint Peter for theheavens; he shows me where the bachelors sit, andthere live we as merry as the day is long.
ANTONIO
[To HERO] Well, niece, I trust you will be ruledby your father.
BEATRICE
Yes, faith; it is my cousin's duty to make curtsyand say 'Father, as it please you.' But yet for allthat, cousin, let him be a handsome fellow, or elsemake another curtsy and say 'Father, as it pleaseme.'
LEONATO
Well, niece, I hope to see you one day fitted with a husband.
BEATRICE
Not till God make men of some other metal thanearth. Would it not grieve a woman to beovermastered with a pierce of valiant dust? to makean account of her life to a clod of wayward marl?No, uncle, I'll none: Adam's sons are my brethren;and, truly, I hold it a sin to match in my kindred.
LEONATO
Daughter, remember what I told you: if the princedo solicit you in that kind, you know your answer.
BEATRICE
The fault will be in the music, cousin, if you benot wooed in good time: if the prince be tooimportant, tell him there is measure in every thingand so dance out the answer. For, hear me, Hero:wooing, wedding, and repenting, is as a Scotch jig,a measure, and a cinque pace: the first suit is hotand hasty, like a Scotch jig, and full asfantastical; the wedding, mannerly-modest, as ameasure, full of state and ancientry; and then comesrepentance and, with his bad legs, falls into thecinque pace faster and faster, till he sink into his grave.
LEONATO
Cousin, you apprehend passing shrewdly.
BEATRICE
I have a good eye, uncle; I can see a church by daylight.
LEONATO
The revellers are entering, brother: make good room.
All put on their masks
Enter DON PEDRO, CLAUDIO, BENEDICK, BALTHASAR, DON JOHN, BORACHIO, MARGARET, URSULA and others, masked
DON PEDRO
Lady, will you walk about with your friend?
HERO
So you walk softly and look sweetly and say nothing,I am yours for the walk; and especially when I walk away.
DON PEDRO
With me in your company?
HERO
I may say so, when I please.
DON PEDRO
And when please you to say so?
HERO
When I like your favour; for God defend the luteshould be like the case!
DON PEDRO
My visor is Philemon's roof; within the house is Jove.
HERO
Why, then, your visor should be thatched.
DON PEDRO
Speak low, if you speak love.
Drawing her aside
BALTHASAR
Well, I would you did like me.
MARGARET
So would not I, for your own sake; for I have manyill-qualities.
BALTHASAR
Which is one?
MARGARET
I say my prayers aloud.
BALTHASAR
I love you the better: the hearers may cry, Amen.
MARGARET
God match me with a good dancer!
BALTHASAR
Amen.
MARGARET
And God keep him out of my sight when the dance isdone! Answer, clerk.
BALTHASAR
No more words: the clerk is answered.
URSULA
I know you well enough; you are Signior Antonio.
ANTONIO
At a word, I am not.
URSULA
I know you by the waggling of your head.
ANTONIO
To tell you true, I counterfeit him.
URSULA
You could never do him so ill-well, unless you werethe very man. Here's his dry hand up and down: youare he, you are he.
ANTONIO
At a word, I am not.
URSULA
Come, come, do you think I do not know you by yourexcellent wit? can virtue hide itself? Go to,mum, you are he: graces will appear, and there's anend.
BEATRICE
Will you not tell me who told you so?
BENEDICK
No, you shall pardon me.
BEATRICE
Nor will you not tell me who you are?
BENEDICK
Not now.
BEATRICE
That I was disdainful, and that I had my good witout of the 'Hundred Merry Tales:'--well this wasSignior Benedick that said so.
BENEDICK
What's he?
BEATRICE
I am sure you know him well enough.
BENEDICK
Not I, believe me.
BEATRICE
Did he never make you laugh?
BENEDICK
I pray you, what is he?
BEATRICE
Why, he is the prince's jester: a very dull fool;only his gift is in devising impossible slanders:none but libertines delight in him; and thecommendation is not in his wit, but in his villany;for he both pleases men and angers them, and thenthey laugh at him and beat him. I am sure he is inthe fleet: I would he had boarded me.
BENEDICK
When I know the gentleman, I'll tell him what you say.
BEATRICE
Do, do: he'll but break a comparison or two on me;which, peradventure not marked or not laughed at,strikes him into melancholy; and then there's apartridge wing saved, for the fool will eat nosupper that night.
Music
BEATRICE
We must follow the leaders.
BENEDICK
In every good thing.
BEATRICE
Nay, if they lead to any ill, I will leave them atthe next turning.
Dance. Then exeunt all except DON JOHN, BORACHIO, and CLAUDIO
DON JOHN
Sure my brother is amorous on Hero and hathwithdrawn her father to break with him about it.The ladies follow her and but one visor remains.
BORACHIO
And that is Claudio: I know him by his bearing.
DON JOHN
Are not you Signior Benedick?
CLAUDIO
You know me well; I am he.
DON JOHN
Signior, you are very near my brother in his love:he is enamoured on Hero; I pray you, dissuade himfrom her: she is no equal for his birth: you maydo the part of an honest man in it.
CLAUDIO
How know you he loves her?
DON JOHN
I heard him swear his affection.
BORACHIO
So did I too; and he swore he would marry her to-night.
DON JOHN
Come, let us to the banquet.
Exeunt DON JOHN and BORACHIO
CLAUDIO
Thus answer I in the name of Benedick,But hear these ill news with the ears of Claudio.'Tis certain so; the prince wooes for himself.Friendship is constant in all other thingsSave in the office and affairs of love:Therefore, all hearts in love use their own tongues;Let every eye negotiate for itselfAnd trust no agent; for beauty is a witchAgainst whose charms faith melteth into blood.This is an accident of hourly proof,Which I mistrusted not. Farewell, therefore, Hero!
Re-enter BENEDICK
BENEDICK
Count Claudio?
CLAUDIO
Yea, the same.
BENEDICK
Come, will you go with me?
CLAUDIO
Whither?
BENEDICK
Even to the next willow, about your own business,county. What fashion will you wear the garland of?about your neck, like an usurer's chain? or underyour arm, like a lieutenant's scarf? You must wearit one way, for the prince hath got your Hero.
CLAUDIO
I wish him joy of her.
BENEDICK
Why, that's spoken like an honest drovier: so theysell bullocks. But did you think the prince wouldhave served you thus?
CLAUDIO
I pray you, leave me.
BENEDICK
Ho! now you strike like the blind man: 'twas theboy that stole your meat, and you'll beat the post.
CLAUDIO
If it will not be, I'll leave you.
Exit
BENEDICK
Alas, poor hurt fowl! now will he creep into sedges.But that my Lady Beatrice should know me, and notknow me! The prince's fool! Ha? It may be I gounder that title because I am merry. Yea, but so Iam apt to do myself wrong; I am not so reputed: itis the base, though bitter, disposition of Beatricethat puts the world into her person and so gives meout. Well, I'll be revenged as I may.
Re-enter DON PEDRO
DON PEDRO
Now, signior, where's the count? did you see him?
BENEDICK
Troth, my lord, I have played the part of Lady Fame.I found him here as melancholy as a lodge in awarren: I told him, and I think I told him true,that your grace had got the good will of this younglady; and I offered him my company to a willow-tree,either to make him a garland, as being forsaken, orto bind him up a rod, as being worthy to be whipped.
DON PEDRO
To be whipped! What's his fault?
BENEDICK
The flat transgression of a schoolboy, who, beingoverjoyed with finding a birds' nest, shows it hiscompanion, and he steals it.
DON PEDRO
Wilt thou make a trust a transgression? Thetransgression is in the stealer.
BENEDICK
Yet it had not been amiss the rod had been made,and the garland too; for the garland he might haveworn himself, and the rod he might have bestowed onyou, who, as I take it, have stolen his birds' nest.
DON PEDRO
I will but teach them to sing, and restore them tothe owner.
BENEDICK
If their singing answer your saying, by my faith,you say honestly.
DON PEDRO
The Lady Beatrice hath a quarrel to you: thegentleman that danced with her told her she is muchwronged by you.
BENEDICK
O, she misused me past the endurance of a block!an oak but with one green leaf on it would haveanswered her; my very visor began to assume life andscold with her. She told me, not thinking I had beenmyself, that I was the prince's jester, that I wasduller than a great thaw; huddling jest upon jestwith such impossible conveyance upon me that I stoodlike a man at a mark, with a whole army shooting atme. She speaks poniards, and every word stabs:if her breath were as terrible as her terminations,there were no living near her; she would infect tothe north star. I would not marry her, though shewere endowed with all that Adam bad left him beforehe transgressed: she would have made Hercules haveturned spit, yea, and have cleft his club to makethe fire too. Come, talk not of her: you shall findher the infernal Ate in good apparel. I would to Godsome scholar would conjure her; for certainly, whileshe is here, a man may live as quiet in hell as in asanctuary; and people sin upon purpose, because theywould go thither; so, indeed, all disquiet, horrorand perturbation follows her.
DON PEDRO
Look, here she comes.
Enter CLAUDIO, BEATRICE, HERO, and LEONATO
BENEDICK
Will your grace command me any service to theworld's end? I will go on the slightest errand nowto the Antipodes that you can devise to send me on;I will fetch you a tooth-picker now from thefurthest inch of Asia, bring you the length ofPrester John's foot, fetch you a hair off the greatCham's beard, do you any embassage to the Pigmies,rather than hold three words' conference with thisharpy. You have no employment for me?
DON PEDRO
None, but to desire your good company.
BENEDICK
O God, sir, here's a dish I love not: I cannotendure my Lady Tongue.
Exit
DON PEDRO
Come, lady, come; you have lost the heart ofSignior Benedick.
BEATRICE
Indeed, my lord, he lent it me awhile; and I gavehim use for it, a double heart for his single one:marry, once before he won it of me with false dice,therefore your grace may well say I have lost it.
DON PEDRO
You have put him down, lady, you have put him down.
BEATRICE
So I would not he should do me, my lord, lest Ishould prove the mother of fools. I have broughtCount Claudio, whom you sent me to seek.
DON PEDRO
Why, how now, count! wherefore are you sad?
CLAUDIO
Not sad, my lord.
DON PEDRO
How then? sick?
CLAUDIO
Neither, my lord.
BEATRICE
The count is neither sad, nor sick, nor merry, norwell; but civil count, civil as an orange, andsomething of that jealous complexion.
DON PEDRO
I' faith, lady, I think your blazon to be true;though, I'll be sworn, if he be so, his conceit isfalse. Here, Claudio, I have wooed in thy name, andfair Hero is won: I have broke with her father,and his good will obtained: name the day ofmarriage, and God give thee joy!
LEONATO
Count, take of me my daughter, and with her myfortunes: his grace hath made the match, and angrace say Amen to it.
BEATRICE
Speak, count, 'tis your cue.
CLAUDIO
Silence is the perfectest herald of joy: I werebut little happy, if I could say how much. Lady, asyou are mine, I am yours: I give away myself foryou and dote upon the exchange.
BEATRICE
Speak, cousin; or, if you cannot, stop his mouthwith a kiss, and let not him speak neither.
DON PEDRO
In faith, lady, you have a merry heart.
BEATRICE
Yea, my lord; I thank it, poor fool, it keeps onthe windy side of care. My cousin tells him in hisear that he is in her heart.
CLAUDIO
And so she doth, cousin.
BEATRICE
Good Lord, for alliance! Thus goes every one to theworld but I, and I am sunburnt; I may sit in acorner and cry heigh-ho for a husband!
DON PEDRO
Lady Beatrice, I will get you one.
BEATRICE
I would rather have one of your father's getting.Hath your grace ne'er a brother like you? Yourfather got excellent husbands, if a maid could come by them.
DON PEDRO
Will you have me, lady?
BEATRICE
No, my lord, unless I might have another forworking-days: your grace is too costly to wearevery day. But, I beseech your grace, pardon me: Iwas born to speak all mirth and no matter.
DON PEDRO
Your silence most offends me, and to be merry bestbecomes you; for, out of question, you were born ina merry hour.
BEATRICE
No, sure, my lord, my mother cried; but then therewas a star danced, and under that was I born.Cousins, God give you joy!
LEONATO
Niece, will you look to those things I told you of?
BEATRICE
I cry you mercy, uncle. By your grace's pardon.
Exit
DON PEDRO
By my troth, a pleasant-spirited lady.
LEONATO
There's little of the melancholy element in her, mylord: she is never sad but when she sleeps, andnot ever sad then; for I have heard my daughter say,she hath often dreamed of unhappiness and wakedherself with laughing.
DON PEDRO
She cannot endure to hear tell of a husband.
LEONATO
O, by no means: she mocks all her wooers out of suit.
DON PEDRO
She were an excellent wife for Benedict.
LEONATO
O Lord, my lord, if they were but a week married,they would talk themselves mad.
DON PEDRO
County Claudio, when mean you to go to church?
CLAUDIO
To-morrow, my lord: time goes on crutches till lovehave all his rites.
LEONATO
Not till Monday, my dear son, which is hence a justseven-night; and a time too brief, too, to have allthings answer my mind.
DON PEDRO
Come, you shake the head at so long a breathing:but, I warrant thee, Claudio, the time shall not godully by us. I will in the interim undertake one ofHercules' labours; which is, to bring SigniorBenedick and the Lady Beatrice into a mountain ofaffection the one with the other. I would fain haveit a match, and I doubt not but to fashion it, ifyou three will but minister such assistance as Ishall give you direction.
LEONATO
My lord, I am for you, though it cost me tennights' watchings.
CLAUDIO
And I, my lord.
DON PEDRO
And you too, gentle Hero?
HERO
I will do any modest office, my lord, to help mycousin to a good husband.
DON PEDRO
And Benedick is not the unhopefullest husband thatI know. Thus far can I praise him; he is of a noblestrain, of approved valour and confirmed honesty. Iwill teach you how to humour your cousin, that sheshall fall in love with Benedick; and I, with yourtwo helps, will so practise on Benedick that, indespite of his quick wit and his queasy stomach, heshall fall in love with Beatrice. If we can do this,Cupid is no longer an archer: hi s glory shall beours, for we are the only love-gods. Go in with me,and I will tell you my drift.
Exeunt