Much Ado About Nothing — Act 4, Scene 2

DOGBERRY

Is our whole dissembly appeared?

VERGES

O, a stool and a cushion for the sexton.

Sexton

Which be the malefactors?

DOGBERRY

Marry, that am I and my partner.

VERGES

Nay, that's certain; we have the exhibition to examine.

Sexton

But which are the offenders that are to beexamined? let them come before master constable.

DOGBERRY

Yea, marry, let them come before me. What is yourname, friend?

BORACHIO

Borachio.

DOGBERRY

Pray, write down, Borachio. Yours, sirrah?

CONRADE

I am a gentleman, sir, and my name is Conrade.

DOGBERRY

Write down, master gentleman Conrade. Masters, doyou serve God?

BORACHIO

Yea, sir, we hope.

DOGBERRY

Write down, that they hope they serve God: andwrite God first; for God defend but God should gobefore such villains! Masters, it is proved alreadythat you are little better than false knaves; and itwill go near to be thought so shortly. How answeryou for yourselves?

CONRADE

Marry, sir, we say we are none.

DOGBERRY

A marvellous witty fellow, I assure you: but Iwill go about with him. Come you hither, sirrah; aword in your ear: sir, I say to you, it is thoughtyou are false knaves.

BORACHIO

Sir, I say to you we are none.

DOGBERRY

Well, stand aside. 'Fore God, they are both in atale. Have you writ down, that they are none?

Sexton

Master constable, you go not the way to examine:you must call forth the watch that are their accusers.

DOGBERRY

Yea, marry, that's the eftest way. Let the watchcome forth. Masters, I charge you, in the prince'sname, accuse these men.

First Watchman

This man said, sir, that Don John, the prince'sbrother, was a villain.

DOGBERRY

Write down Prince John a villain. Why, this is flatperjury, to call a prince's brother villain.

BORACHIO

Master constable,--

DOGBERRY

Pray thee, fellow, peace: I do not like thy look,I promise thee.

Sexton

What heard you him say else?

Second Watchman

Marry, that he had received a thousand ducats ofDon John for accusing the Lady Hero wrongfully.

DOGBERRY

Flat burglary as ever was committed.

VERGES

Yea, by mass, that it is.

Sexton

What else, fellow?

First Watchman

And that Count Claudio did mean, upon his words, todisgrace Hero before the whole assembly. and not marry her.

DOGBERRY

O villain! thou wilt be condemned into everlastingredemption for this.

Sexton

What else?

Watchman

This is all.

Sexton

And this is more, masters, than you can deny.Prince John is this morning secretly stolen away;Hero was in this manner accused, in this very mannerrefused, and upon the grief of this suddenly died.Master constable, let these men be bound, andbrought to Leonato's: I will go before and showhim their examination.

DOGBERRY

Come, let them be opinioned.

VERGES

Let them be in the hands--

CONRADE

Off, coxcomb!

DOGBERRY

God's my life, where's the sexton? let him writedown the prince's officer coxcomb. Come, bind them.Thou naughty varlet!

CONRADE

Away! you are an ass, you are an ass.

DOGBERRY

Dost thou not suspect my place? dost thou notsuspect my years? O that he were here to write medown an ass! But, masters, remember that I am anass; though it be not written down, yet forget notthat I am an ass. No, thou villain, thou art full ofpiety, as shall be proved upon thee by good witness.I am a wise fellow, and, which is more, an officer,and, which is more, a householder, and, which ismore, as pretty a piece of flesh as any is inMessina, and one that knows the law, go to; and arich fellow enough, go to; and a fellow that hathhad losses, and one that hath two gowns and everything handsome about him. Bring him away. O thatI had been writ down an ass!