Much Ado About Nothing — Act 5, Scene 1

ANTONIO

If you go on thus, you will kill yourself:And 'tis not wisdom thus to second griefAgainst yourself.

LEONATO

I pray thee, cease thy counsel,Which falls into mine ears as profitlessAs water in a sieve: give not me counsel;Nor let no comforter delight mine earBut such a one whose wrongs do suit with mine.Bring me a father that so loved his child,Whose joy of her is overwhelm'd like mine,And bid him speak of patience;Measure his woe the length and breadth of mineAnd let it answer every strain for strain,As thus for thus and such a grief for such,In every lineament, branch, shape, and form:If such a one will smile and stroke his beard,Bid sorrow wag, cry 'hem!' when he should groan,Patch grief with proverbs, make misfortune drunkWith candle-wasters; bring him yet to me,And I of him will gather patience.But there is no such man: for, brother, menCan counsel and speak comfort to that griefWhich they themselves not feel; but, tasting it,Their counsel turns to passion, which beforeWould give preceptial medicine to rage,Fetter strong madness in a silken thread,Charm ache with air and agony with words:No, no; 'tis all men's office to speak patienceTo those that wring under the load of sorrow,But no man's virtue nor sufficiencyTo be so moral when he shall endureThe like himself. Therefore give me no counsel:My griefs cry louder than advertisement.

ANTONIO

Therein do men from children nothing differ.

LEONATO

I pray thee, peace. I will be flesh and blood;For there was never yet philosopherThat could endure the toothache patiently,However they have writ the style of godsAnd made a push at chance and sufferance.

ANTONIO

Yet bend not all the harm upon yourself;Make those that do offend you suffer too.

LEONATO

There thou speak'st reason: nay, I will do so.My soul doth tell me Hero is belied;And that shall Claudio know; so shall the princeAnd all of them that thus dishonour her.

ANTONIO

Here comes the prince and Claudio hastily.

DON PEDRO

Good den, good den.

CLAUDIO

Good day to both of you.

LEONATO

Hear you. my lords,--

DON PEDRO

We have some haste, Leonato.

LEONATO

Some haste, my lord! well, fare you well, my lord:Are you so hasty now? well, all is one.

DON PEDRO

Nay, do not quarrel with us, good old man.

ANTONIO

If he could right himself with quarreling,Some of us would lie low.

CLAUDIO

Who wrongs him?

LEONATO

Marry, thou dost wrong me; thou dissembler, thou:--Nay, never lay thy hand upon thy sword;I fear thee not.

CLAUDIO

Marry, beshrew my hand,If it should give your age such cause of fear:In faith, my hand meant nothing to my sword.

LEONATO

Tush, tush, man; never fleer and jest at me:I speak not like a dotard nor a fool,As under privilege of age to bragWhat I have done being young, or what would doWere I not old. Know, Claudio, to thy head,Thou hast so wrong'd mine innocent child and meThat I am forced to lay my reverence byAnd, with grey hairs and bruise of many days,Do challenge thee to trial of a man.I say thou hast belied mine innocent child;Thy slander hath gone through and through her heart,And she lies buried with her ancestors;O, in a tomb where never scandal slept,Save this of hers, framed by thy villany!

CLAUDIO

My villany?

LEONATO

Thine, Claudio; thine, I say.

DON PEDRO

You say not right, old man.

LEONATO

My lord, my lord,I'll prove it on his body, if he dare,Despite his nice fence and his active practise,His May of youth and bloom of lustihood.

CLAUDIO

Away! I will not have to do with you.

LEONATO

Canst thou so daff me? Thou hast kill'd my child:If thou kill'st me, boy, thou shalt kill a man.

ANTONIO

He shall kill two of us, and men indeed:But that's no matter; let him kill one first;Win me and wear me; let him answer me.Come, follow me, boy; come, sir boy, come, follow me:Sir boy, I'll whip you from your foining fence;Nay, as I am a gentleman, I will.

LEONATO

Brother,--

ANTONIO

Content yourself. God knows I loved my niece;And she is dead, slander'd to death by villains,That dare as well answer a man indeedAs I dare take a serpent by the tongue:Boys, apes, braggarts, Jacks, milksops!

LEONATO

Brother Antony,--

ANTONIO

Hold you content. What, man! I know them, yea,And what they weigh, even to the utmost scruple,--Scrambling, out-facing, fashion-monging boys,That lie and cog and flout, deprave and slander,Go anticly, show outward hideousness,And speak off half a dozen dangerous words,How they might hurt their enemies, if they durst;And this is all.

LEONATO

But, brother Antony,--

ANTONIO

Come, 'tis no matter:Do not you meddle; let me deal in this.

DON PEDRO

Gentlemen both, we will not wake your patience.My heart is sorry for your daughter's death:But, on my honour, she was charged with nothingBut what was true and very full of proof.

LEONATO

My lord, my lord,--

DON PEDRO

I will not hear you.

LEONATO

No? Come, brother; away! I will be heard.

ANTONIO

And shall, or some of us will smart for it.

DON PEDRO

See, see; here comes the man we went to seek.

CLAUDIO

Now, signior, what news?

BENEDICK

Good day, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Welcome, signior: you are almost come to partalmost a fray.

CLAUDIO

We had like to have had our two noses snapped offwith two old men without teeth.

DON PEDRO

Leonato and his brother. What thinkest thou? Hadwe fought, I doubt we should have been too young for them.

BENEDICK

In a false quarrel there is no true valour. I cameto seek you both.

CLAUDIO

We have been up and down to seek thee; for we arehigh-proof melancholy and would fain have it beatenaway. Wilt thou use thy wit?

BENEDICK

It is in my scabbard: shall I draw it?

DON PEDRO

Dost thou wear thy wit by thy side?

CLAUDIO

Never any did so, though very many have been besidetheir wit. I will bid thee draw, as we do theminstrels; draw, to pleasure us.

DON PEDRO

As I am an honest man, he looks pale. Art thousick, or angry?

CLAUDIO

What, courage, man! What though care killed a cat,thou hast mettle enough in thee to kill care.

BENEDICK

Sir, I shall meet your wit in the career, and youcharge it against me. I pray you choose another subject.

CLAUDIO

Nay, then, give him another staff: this last wasbroke cross.

DON PEDRO

By this light, he changes more and more: I thinkhe be angry indeed.

CLAUDIO

If he be, he knows how to turn his girdle.

BENEDICK

Shall I speak a word in your ear?

CLAUDIO

God bless me from a challenge!

BENEDICK

[Aside to CLAUDIO] You are a villain; I jest not:I will make it good how you dare, with what youdare, and when you dare. Do me right, or I willprotest your cowardice. You have killed a sweetlady, and her death shall fall heavy on you. Let mehear from you.

CLAUDIO

Well, I will meet you, so I may have good cheer.

DON PEDRO

What, a feast, a feast?

CLAUDIO

I' faith, I thank him; he hath bid me to a calf'shead and a capon; the which if I do not carve mostcuriously, say my knife's naught. Shall I not finda woodcock too?

BENEDICK

Sir, your wit ambles well; it goes easily.

DON PEDRO

I'll tell thee how Beatrice praised thy wit theother day. I said, thou hadst a fine wit: 'True,'said she, 'a fine little one.' 'No,' said I, 'agreat wit:' 'Right,' says she, 'a great gross one.''Nay,' said I, 'a good wit:' 'Just,' said she, 'ithurts nobody.' 'Nay,' said I, 'the gentlemanis wise:' 'Certain,' said she, 'a wise gentleman.''Nay,' said I, 'he hath the tongues:' 'That Ibelieve,' said she, 'for he swore a thing to me onMonday night, which he forswore on Tuesday morning;there's a double tongue; there's two tongues.' Thusdid she, an hour together, transshape thy particularvirtues: yet at last she concluded with a sigh, thouwast the properest man in Italy.

CLAUDIO

For the which she wept heartily and said she carednot.

DON PEDRO

Yea, that she did: but yet, for all that, an if shedid not hate him deadly, she would love him dearly:the old man's daughter told us all.

CLAUDIO

All, all; and, moreover, God saw him when he washid in the garden.

DON PEDRO

But when shall we set the savage bull's horns onthe sensible Benedick's head?

CLAUDIO

Yea, and text underneath, 'Here dwells Benedick themarried man'?

BENEDICK

Fare you well, boy: you know my mind. I will leaveyou now to your gossip-like humour: you break jestsas braggarts do their blades, which God be thanked,hurt not. My lord, for your many courtesies I thankyou: I must discontinue your company: your brotherthe bastard is fled from Messina: you have amongyou killed a sweet and innocent lady. For my LordLackbeard there, he and I shall meet: and, tillthen, peace be with him.

DON PEDRO

He is in earnest.

CLAUDIO

In most profound earnest; and, I'll warrant you, forthe love of Beatrice.

DON PEDRO

And hath challenged thee.

CLAUDIO

Most sincerely.

DON PEDRO

What a pretty thing man is when he goes in hisdoublet and hose and leaves off his wit!

CLAUDIO

He is then a giant to an ape; but then is an ape adoctor to such a man.

DON PEDRO

But, soft you, let me be: pluck up, my heart, andbe sad. Did he not say, my brother was fled?

DOGBERRY

Come you, sir: if justice cannot tame you, sheshall ne'er weigh more reasons in her balance: nay,an you be a cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to.

DON PEDRO

How now? two of my brother's men bound! Borachioone!

CLAUDIO

Hearken after their offence, my lord.

DON PEDRO

Officers, what offence have these men done?

DOGBERRY

Marry, sir, they have committed false report;moreover, they have spoken untruths; secondarily,they are slanders; sixth and lastly, they havebelied a lady; thirdly, they have verified unjustthings; and, to conclude, they are lying knaves.

DON PEDRO

First, I ask thee what they have done; thirdly, Iask thee what's their offence; sixth and lastly, whythey are committed; and, to conclude, what you layto their charge.

CLAUDIO

Rightly reasoned, and in his own division: and, bymy troth, there's one meaning well suited.

DON PEDRO

Who have you offended, masters, that you are thusbound to your answer? this learned constable istoo cunning to be understood: what's your offence?

BORACHIO

Sweet prince, let me go no farther to mine answer:do you hear me, and let this count kill me. I havedeceived even your very eyes: what your wisdomscould not discover, these shallow fools have broughtto light: who in the night overheard me confessingto this man how Don John your brother incensed meto slander the Lady Hero, how you were brought intothe orchard and saw me court Margaret in Hero'sgarments, how you disgraced her, when you shouldmarry her: my villany they have upon record; whichI had rather seal with my death than repeat overto my shame. The lady is dead upon mine and mymaster's false accusation; and, briefly, I desirenothing but the reward of a villain.

DON PEDRO

Runs not this speech like iron through your blood?

CLAUDIO

I have drunk poison whiles he utter'd it.

DON PEDRO

But did my brother set thee on to this?

BORACHIO

Yea, and paid me richly for the practise of it.

DON PEDRO

He is composed and framed of treachery:And fled he is upon this villany.

CLAUDIO

Sweet Hero! now thy image doth appearIn the rare semblance that I loved it first.

DOGBERRY

Come, bring away the plaintiffs: by this time oursexton hath reformed Signior Leonato of the matter:and, masters, do not forget to specify, when timeand place shall serve, that I am an ass.

VERGES

Here, here comes master Signior Leonato, and theSexton too.

LEONATO

Which is the villain? let me see his eyes,That, when I note another man like him,I may avoid him: which of these is he?

BORACHIO

If you would know your wronger, look on me.

LEONATO

Art thou the slave that with thy breath hast kill'dMine innocent child?

BORACHIO

Yea, even I alone.

LEONATO

No, not so, villain; thou beliest thyself:Here stand a pair of honourable men;A third is fled, that had a hand in it.I thank you, princes, for my daughter's death:Record it with your high and worthy deeds:'Twas bravely done, if you bethink you of it.

CLAUDIO

I know not how to pray your patience;Yet I must speak. Choose your revenge yourself;Impose me to what penance your inventionCan lay upon my sin: yet sinn'd I notBut in mistaking.

DON PEDRO

By my soul, nor I:And yet, to satisfy this good old man,I would bend under any heavy weightThat he'll enjoin me to.

LEONATO

I cannot bid you bid my daughter live;That were impossible: but, I pray you both,Possess the people in Messina hereHow innocent she died; and if your loveCan labour ought in sad invention,Hang her an epitaph upon her tombAnd sing it to her bones, sing it to-night:To-morrow morning come you to my house,And since you could not be my son-in-law,Be yet my nephew: my brother hath a daughter,Almost the copy of my child that's dead,And she alone is heir to both of us:Give her the right you should have given her cousin,And so dies my revenge.

CLAUDIO

O noble sir,Your over-kindness doth wring tears from me!I do embrace your offer; and disposeFor henceforth of poor Claudio.

LEONATO

To-morrow then I will expect your coming;To-night I take my leave. This naughty manShall face to face be brought to Margaret,Who I believe was pack'd in all this wrong,Hired to it by your brother.

BORACHIO

No, by my soul, she was not,Nor knew not what she did when she spoke to me,But always hath been just and virtuousIn any thing that I do know by her.

DOGBERRY

Moreover, sir, which indeed is not under white andblack, this plaintiff here, the offender, did callme ass: I beseech you, let it be remembered in hispunishment. And also, the watch heard them talk ofone Deformed: they say be wears a key in his ear anda lock hanging by it, and borrows money in God'sname, the which he hath used so long and never paidthat now men grow hard-hearted and will lend nothingfor God's sake: pray you, examine him upon that point.

LEONATO

I thank thee for thy care and honest pains.

DOGBERRY

Your worship speaks like a most thankful andreverend youth; and I praise God for you.

LEONATO

There's for thy pains.

DOGBERRY

God save the foundation!

LEONATO

Go, I discharge thee of thy prisoner, and I thank thee.

DOGBERRY

I leave an arrant knave with your worship; which Ibeseech your worship to correct yourself, for theexample of others. God keep your worship! I wishyour worship well; God restore you to health! Ihumbly give you leave to depart; and if a merrymeeting may be wished, God prohibit it! Come, neighbour.

LEONATO

Until to-morrow morning, lords, farewell.

ANTONIO

Farewell, my lords: we look for you to-morrow.

DON PEDRO

We will not fail.

CLAUDIO

To-night I'll mourn with Hero.

LEONATO

[To the Watch] Bring you these fellows on. We'lltalk with Margaret,How her acquaintance grew with this lewd fellow.